When your husband tells you he was face to face with death, it's a little hard to comprehend.
If you believe in God, you might want to read this, if you don't believe in God, you might need to read this.
Let me go back. It was a perfect Sunday morning two weeks ago and Adam and I taught virtual Sunday School for the Middle School of our church. We've both been raised as Christians and have raised our four children in the same faith, but I can honestly say nothing profound or life altering has happened to us to a significant degree. Sure you hear about things happening to someone's cousin's, neighbor's, Grandma's friend...but nothing has or ever or would happen to us. This is a Mommy blog. You can go back days, months, even years and see it's a journal of sorts to remember fun times with the kids. Point being, there's not one story of anything like this from our lives.
So there we were. Sunday school was over, it was a beautiful day and for the first time this year, our daughter didn't have practice that we needed to fly out of the house for. We were free. Nothing to do and nowhere to go. My take on this was, "Let's relax and watch a movie". Adam who spent the first thirty some years of his life in the military, saw it as a blank slate to get things done around the house.
He stood, calling back to me, "I want to organize our closet, basement and get the yard work done today. Maybe later we can watch a show". I in turn, went to the living room for the TV remote. Rounding the couch with a big warm blanket, I never could've known our lives were about to change.
Our daughter and dog heard Adam go outside, so they both ran down the stairs to join. It truly was a beautiful day and as I heard Lauren Elizabeth begin to methodically thud a volleyball against the front of the house, I inwardly smiled and groaned simultaneously.
In what wasn't too long, Adam came back inside. I was still trying to find something to watch and smiled his way, "You changed your mind!" When he didn't respond, I turned to see his face.
His expression was unlike anything I'd ever seen. "Something's wrong." was all he said as he held the back of his head with one hand. Realizing I didn't hear the volleyball, my mind raced outside, Where's Lauren Elizabeth? Did our dog get hit by a car?
Wincing, he said it again, "Something's wrong" as he walked towards me, giving no indication there was anything wrong outside.
"Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
He now put both hands behind the back of his head as the color drained from his face.
"Adam, sit down!" Jumping to get him to the couch, "Are you hurt? Did you get hit? What's wrong?"
"My head. Something's wrong. It feels like I got blindsided with a baseball bat, like something exploded."
What happened next is something I'll regret for the rest of my life. I'm a speech language pathologist and have worked with stroke and trauma patients for most of my career. I clicked into therapy mode and began assessing. Grabbing my phone, I flicked the flashlight to his eyes. Pupils responded bilaterally. Adam said the lower back of his head hurt (Occipital lobe) was there blurry vision? Double vision? Lack of peripheral vision? No to all of these. His speech was clear/articulate and not slowed or slurred. No facial weakness or drooping, strength was good when squeezing my fingers, you get the point. All this to say, I thought he pinched a nerve or hoped he didn't have a herniated disc as the source of his pain. I truly didn't think it was anything neurological.
I actually told him I'd get some Tylenol and water so he could rest on the couch. We're in our late 40's, he has no cholesterol or blood pressure issues, there's no family history of stroke/aneurism, we don't smoke, drink, do drugs...nothing would indicate something severe.
"Beatty, something's wrong and I need you to take me to the emergency room, now." He knew. As much as I tried to refuse anything could be seriously wrong, he knew.
I scrambled to get the keys and didn't know Adam had gone to our daughter and dog who were now inside, to say goodbye to them and our sons. He worried it was the last time he'd see them.
Throwing the hazards on, I sped through traffic. "What happened? What's going on?"
Adam explained how he was outside talking with our neighbor, Matt, then went to do the yardwork. He was perfectly fine one minute, then had excruciating pain in the back of his head as he stood up from trimming under a shrub.
He whispered, "I didn't play volleyball with her. I didn't spend time talking outside with Matt. I didn't even pet the dog..."
Quickly glancing at him as I passed a line of cars, I grew more concerned. "You can do all of that when we get back home. You're okay."
Pulling into the ER, Adam cautiously walked as a security guard raised his brow and pulled a wheelchair around. Checking in, a nurse pushed him back to a room where we waited for the Doctor.
When he appeared, he asked a series of questions while Adam continued to hold his head. The Doctor didn't seem to be extremely worried, stating he would run a CT scan to rule out the worst case scenario, even though Adam didn't present as having neurological signs or symptoms.
While two people came to push his bed out, it wasn't long before they brought him back. Adam was doubled over in pain now, saying when he had to lie flat on the hard surface for the scan, it was the worst pain he'd ever had.
Going to his side, I put one hand on his shoulder and tried to put pressure on his chest with the other to calm him. Out of nowhere, the same man as before rushed in the room, this time as a completely different doctor. "Okay, folks, it's not good. We've got an ambulance to take you to Neuro ICU with a Neurosurgeon and team ready when you get there. Your brain is bleeding and we need to move."
This is pretty much when the world stopped spinning. Adam started to convulse as I turned back to him with my hands still pressing on him. I always thought in a fight or flight situation I would be a rock, but it was the total opposite. My legs started to give and I felt myself ready to throw up everywhere.
Someone came from behind to guide me to sit me down but I shook them away, then leaned forward to Adam. As hard as I tried not to cry, I began weeping uncontrollably. His eyes were filled with tears as I put my forehead to his. "This isn't happening. This is not going to happen. You're fine. Everything's alright and you're completely fine." He whispered back, "I'm sorry. I don't want to leave you and the kids. I promise I'll fight like hell. I'm so sorry."
I remember the siren and tried to process how my husband was the one inside the ambulance. Rage filled as they wouldn't let me go with him, then it quickly turned to focus. Standing at the nurses station, my mind narrowed. "Where is he going, how do I get there?" I have no idea who helped me put an address into my phone while they asked if I needed to contact someone to drive. I simply turned to rush to the car. One of the strongest memories I have is putting both hands on the steering wheel while trying to remember how to breathe. "Get to the hospital, get to him and pray to God he makes it." Looking up, I started the car with the hazards again, saying, "Not today, God. Do not do this."
Anyone who knows me knows I have zero sense of direction. My Dad used to say I couldn't find my way out of a wet paper bag. When the invention of the app, "Life 360" came about, it was the greatest thing because Adam, who used to be a fighter pilot, has an uncanny ability to find a needle in a haystack whether it's through training, through instinct, or both as he can see where I am to guide me in the right direction.
I didn't know where the main hospital was. Somehow even when I follow Waze or GPS I can still end up at some random airport or grocery store. It's uncanny how I manage to do this, but no matter what, I always know he will be there when I call. Through pure reflex, I reached to call him, then began shaking again refusing to believe he wasn't there.
Somehow finding my way, I ran into the main entrance while a woman leisurely went over the Covid protocol like it was a regular Sunday morning. All I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs. She mentioned something about elevators and I raced off. Searching for anything I could find to get to Adam, I managed to locate signs for the ICU. Shooting to a woman behind another main desk, she seemed somewhat confused at to how quickly I'd arrived from the North emergency room, stating Adam hadn't even gotten settled into his ICU room yet. All I could think was if they needed to get him to his room, he was still alive as I blurted, "Where is he so I can get to him?"
She calmly asked me to have a seat until they could call me back.
Still shaking, I called my parents to try to explain while Mom responded, "We're getting the kids, take care of Adam, call as soon as you can."
"You can come back now" were the five words that filled the air while I tried to find my legs.
He looked frail. Carefully studying his eyes it was still him, but he seemed almost childlike in a hospital gown, hooked up to IVs and monitors around him.
"They said I have to get surgery and I'll be here for two weeks."
"What is happening? What's going on?" I desperately wanted answers, but wouldn't leave him to ask. Adam said they diagnosed it as a "Subarachnoid Hemorrhage" and needed to go in to see how things looked, ruling out aneurysm/stroke, etc.
None of it made sense. I still couldn't and wouldn't believe it. Holding onto him, I was worried at any given minute someone would ask me to leave due to the protocols of ICU or Covid, until a nurse smiled and approached, saying I could stay as long as I wanted.
I watched him. I studied the monitors, listened to his breathing, memorized the expression on his face and prayed.
My parents had the kids, one of our sons told our youth minister and within no time, a pastor from our church, Chip was at Adam's side covering him in prayer.
As fast as everything spun out of control, that's how quickly things became covered in peace. By praying over him it was as though an anchor calmed the storm. Adam's face changed, his entire body changed. I don't know if Chip realized the magnitude as he soon left, but Adam was different both physically and mentally.
When the time came for his surgery, I was asked to wait in the lobby as the ICU team prepared for the surgical team to take him away. What happened next, was something that took another day for him to tell me.
His surgery went perfectly well. I returned to his ICU room and sat in a miserable chair beside him throughout the night and into the day until he looked over as he woke, saying, "I saw death."
Nodding, I responded, "I know. Everyone was scared to death, but I'm glad you're going to be okay."
"No. I actually saw death. When the room was empty, you were gone and no one had come to take me away for the procedure, I saw the spirit of death."
Completely confused, I leaned forward. "What do you mean, 'death'? Like a ghost or something?"
"It wasn't a ghost. I couldn't see through it. It was a large dark solid figure standing to the left corner of my room, staring at me. He didn't reach for me, come towards me, he just stood there, squared off at me." I tried to process what he was saying as he went on to explain how originally, he'd thought the darkness that caught his eye was from a computer monitor from the ones being brought in and removed in that same corner. Ironically, every time a nurse brought a different computer to that area of his room, it would die. The TV was in the same corner and it went out, too. Assuming he was seeing the darkness in his peripheral vision of another blank screen, he wondered when they'd brought another computer in because he hadn't heard them. That's when he turned and caught sight of the figure.
It took a minute for me to speak, "To begin with, this doesn't make any sense and yes, as you can imagine, I'm freaking out. How are you telling me you saw 'death' and you're not freaking out?
He shook his head, "I wasn't scared. I knew what it was. I knew who he was, but I wasn't scared. I started to pray."
"For God to save you?"
"No, for God not to take me, yet. I prayed, 'God, if Thou be willing, take this cup from me, nevertheless not my will but Thine be done.' It's always been one of my favorite verses and for whatever reason, it was the first thing that came to mind."
I sat quietly, not sure of how to think, as he continued.
"Then light began."
"Light?"
"Well, I don't know how to say it in words, there's no real word that can explain it. It wasn't a light exactly, it was a brightness, a warmth, peace...it started from my right and began to surround me. I was encompassed by it and heard the words, "It is I, I have you".
Adam said he watched as the figure of death didn't disappear, instead was pulled away from him or he was pulled away from it, he wasn't sure. He said there was no sign of an ICU room anymore, he was completely surrounded in this light and could only see his own body, nothing else. I asked if he felt like he left his body, but he shook his head, no. "I didn't die. It wasn't anything like that. I was here the whole time and as soon as I was encompassed completely in this light, it then suddenly went away and I was left here in the ICU room connected to everything with all of the noises and sounds around me.
I was trying to understand. I honestly couldn't. None of it made sense and it was difficult not to wonder if there wasn't an element of pain or drug or medication involved.
I come from Southeastern Ohio and we're born and raised to be strong, tough, some might even say, stubborn. We take care of each other and we're fiercely protective. I've had the same best friend, Tricia since the age of three and when it was later that evening, I called her, explaining what Adam had said. I thought I heard what sounded like crying, but I knew better because as I mentioned, we're stubborn and tough. I was wrong. Tricia went on to say how when I texted from the lobby that he was about to go back for surgery, she began praying harder than physically possible. She said what she couldn't explain was that from where she was in Ohio, she saw and heard what I had just described from Adam's experience, except Adam and I are states away in North Carolina. Tricia had previously assumed it was in her mind as she prayed, but was shocked when I poured out the same exact details coming from him.
How could it be possible?
I needed to get my bearings, so while Adam slept I shot home to hug the kids and my parents and tried to make sense of it all. Throwing my purse on the floor and my keys on the counter, I decided not to tell the kids, because I didn't want to worry them saying, "Daddy saw death yesterday, guys!" Not the best conversation to have all things considered.
Our friend, Tracy had set up a meal train and my parents went on and on about how amazing the food was from friends and neighbors. I know it's not a good characteristic that I'll never ask for help, but it did give me comfort to know our kids and my parents were being so well taken care of.
Racing back, I sat in the impossible chair again, watching him, his monitors and his breathing while questions swarmed. It wasn't until the morning when I realized how starving I was. My head was pounding and his breakfast tray arrived, making me realize I hadn't eaten yet. Looking to the floor around me, I couldn't find my pocket book to grab money for food. I turned left, right, behind the chair until I realized, I left it on the kitchen floor back home. I had nothing but my car keys and my cell phone. This is where a normal person would call someone for food or money, but again...stubborn.
I put it in my mind I would go home again that night to see our family and eat/get my purse. I wouldn't say anything to anyone and stay focused on Adam.
A friend, Karie texted that she and another friend, Scarlett were going to visit later that day. I thought for a second to ask for food, but didn't.
That afternoon, I went to the ICU lobby to try to catch them so they wouldn't have to search for Adam's room. As I turned the corner, I smelled the most amazing heaven scent of any grandma's kitchen wafting through the air. I thought it was chicken noodle soup and asked two women I found sitting in the waiting room with bowls where they got it. They were so sweet and told me it was broccoli cheese soup from a Panera downstairs in the hospital. We started to talk a little as I waited for my friends which led to asking why we were there. One woman said her Uncle was eating breakfast on Sunday and yelled while grabbing the back of his head, went down and they were taking him off of life support now. She was there waiting for her Mom and family to say their goodbye's. In disbelief, I realized everyone in the waiting room had to have unimaginable stories. I couldn't comprehend the amount of loss and pain in one place.
I told them a little about Adam and tried to smile saying how I was just telling him before everything that our 20th wedding anniversary was coming up and joked saying it would've taken an act of God to get a minute alone together between both of our jobs, four kids, sports and everything else in the world.
One of the women looked up and put her soup down. Her demeanor changed on a dime and she looked hard at me. "You're the one." Grinning, I questioned, "What?" She continued, "Listen, I don't like hospitals. I don't want to be here. I've already said goodbye to my Uncle and now I'm waiting for my family, but I hate hospitals. To tell you the truth, I already left. I left this lobby, I left this building, I left this hospital. I made it all the way out to my car and got in and got on my cell phone. Then I heard a voice inside of me saying, "Go back", but I didn't want to. I heard it again, "Go back" but I tried to ignore it. Again, "Go back and deliver My message," so I grabbed my purse, my keys, my phone and I stomped back up to this waiting room where I've been sitting here, saying, 'What God?'...and then you came along."
My eyes grew wide as I questioned what in the world was going on. I didn't know these two, they didn't know me, so what was she talking about delivering a message?
She continued, "You have not, because you ask not. That's what God put on my heart to say to you."
What? Why was she telling me this? Again, she didn't know me and I had never had anyone, friend or stranger tell me God put something on them to tell me. Obviously she had the wrong person.
Again, she said, "You have not, because you ask not. Ask and it shall be given to you, knock and the door shall be opened unto you. Do you hear me?"
She was adamant and continued, "You just said it would take an act of, what? An act of God to give you time with your husband and look at what He did. Maybe not in your way, but in His and what are you doing with it? Are you praying together? Thanking God together for the gift He's given you?"
It was as though she was starting a fire and there was no putting her out. It was about this time her friend spoke up saying, "I am a single mother of five and look at me." She opened her purse and unzipped her wallet. Pulling cash out, she gestured it toward me saying, "God put it on my heart that you're hungry, you need to eat".
I stopped breathing.
I stood frozen, unable to move as the first woman nodded, saying, "I feel the same, take this and eat". Reaching into her purse, she pulled money out and tried to hand it to me. I lifted both of my hands away and shook my head no, somehow finding the words to thank them, while refusing to take their money. Just then, out of nowhere a third woman from another area of the waiting room stood and began to approach as I realized we may be upsetting to her depending on her situation.
I turned to apologize if we were being disruptive and she shook her head, no. She began, "My son is in surgery right now I'm sitting here praying for everything to go well." She continued, "I don't want you to think I'm eavesdropping, but I heard you three and ever since this morning, something happened that didn't make sense until right now. I was getting ready at home and heard a voice saying, "Take money for someone while you wait." She stated how she didn't understand it and ignored it at first, especially since she literally never carried cash on her. She continued stating she heard it again until she found a ten and took it with her, having no idea why. "When I overheard you, I had to stand up and come over, because I'm supposed to give this to you."
Holding the money out to me, I physically stepped back and watched as all three women felt the same thing I did, minus the fact that I couldn't believe what was happening while they all seemed to be sure of it.
I told them how I had no money, I hadn't eaten and was absolutely starving, but couldn't take their money. The first woman collected all of it and put it in the pocket of my sweatshirt as I tried to pull away. Shaking her head, she questioned, "Maybe you didn't hear me? You have not, because you ask not. Do not refuse gifts from God."
As I cried, I heard Karie and Scarlett at the front desk and called them over. I'm sure they assumed the worst about Adam while I was obviously a mess, so I quickly explained and introduced them to the three women. Scarlett went to get soup which was the best soup I'd ever had, Karie went back to the ICU with me to visit Adam and they brought with them snacks, the warmest blanket and a pillow which carried us through the rest of our time in the hospital as Adam and I shared them.
On and on there were countless times people, friends, strangers came along and somehow provided exactly what we needed. Family, friends and coworkers were amazing, neighbors, teachers and hospital staff were unbelievable, the kids' first babysitter, Hannah knocked one day because she's now a nurse and Adam was on her floor...countless situations showing us, no, proving to us that the power of prayer and what Adam ended up calling the fingerprints of God...since there were far too many to only be the hands, were sprinkled throughout every single day and night.
One of the ICU nurses came in days after Adam's arrival when they felt sure he was out of the woods. She simply stated that so many people who have this happen die instantly or within the first 24 hours, after that, a good number of people have permanent brain damage and then she shook her head smiling, "and then there's you".
We still don't know why it happened. Our family had Covid a few months back and some people are saying there's a correlation. We asked the Neurosurgeon if that could've been the reason among other questions. After all the years Adam pulled G's while flying the jet, could that have affected the integrity of a vessel which finally presented itself? Around and round we went with the "whys" until the surgeon simply said, there was no way of knowing. It shouldn't have happened and he told Adam to live his life as though it would never happen again. There was no genetic component, no lifestyle component...it was just one of those things. Subarachnoid hemorrhages are typically associated with aneurysms, but earlier this week they again went in for a second procedure, confirming there was no threat of that happening.
People have told us this week they've taken more time to play with their kids, spend time with their families, enjoy the moments previously gone unnoticed due to the hustle and bustle of life. That's the thing though. You always think it will never happen to you, you're too young, too healthy, so on and so forth. When it does though, it's hard to know how you'll respond.
I'm still trying to process the why's and how's of it all, but Adam isn't. He knows what he experienced, what he saw and what it meant to him. We both agree it's impossible to explain, but even more impossible to deny.
I feel like I've lived life so far in the shallow end of the pool, feeling love and praying for others with a lightness of sorts...meaning what I say...all while I've also known prayer warriors who seemed to have a whole deeper level. I've felt that level now and realize there's so much more to this life than treading above water. When you dive deep, it's an entirely different experience to say the least.
Adam was released and he's home now. He still has pain and sleeps a lot, but he is getting stronger by the minute. I've noticed he's changed from being mission ready at all times with a punch list of things to do and accomplish, to taking it easy and enjoying the little things.
I believe our job will be to hold onto this experience and take the good from it in appreciating every minute of life here on earth. Once you've experienced how quickly it can all change in the blink of an eye, those same eyes become wide open to the power of what God can do in ways not humanly possible...and I'll be forever thankful He gave us more time to enjoy with our family and friends...never again taking one single day for granted.
If you believe in God, you might want to read this, if you don't believe in God, you might need to read this.
Let me go back. It was a perfect Sunday morning two weeks ago and Adam and I taught virtual Sunday School for the Middle School of our church. We've both been raised as Christians and have raised our four children in the same faith, but I can honestly say nothing profound or life altering has happened to us to a significant degree. Sure you hear about things happening to someone's cousin's, neighbor's, Grandma's friend...but nothing has or ever or would happen to us. This is a Mommy blog. You can go back days, months, even years and see it's a journal of sorts to remember fun times with the kids. Point being, there's not one story of anything like this from our lives.
So there we were. Sunday school was over, it was a beautiful day and for the first time this year, our daughter didn't have practice that we needed to fly out of the house for. We were free. Nothing to do and nowhere to go. My take on this was, "Let's relax and watch a movie". Adam who spent the first thirty some years of his life in the military, saw it as a blank slate to get things done around the house.
He stood, calling back to me, "I want to organize our closet, basement and get the yard work done today. Maybe later we can watch a show". I in turn, went to the living room for the TV remote. Rounding the couch with a big warm blanket, I never could've known our lives were about to change.
Our daughter and dog heard Adam go outside, so they both ran down the stairs to join. It truly was a beautiful day and as I heard Lauren Elizabeth begin to methodically thud a volleyball against the front of the house, I inwardly smiled and groaned simultaneously.
In what wasn't too long, Adam came back inside. I was still trying to find something to watch and smiled his way, "You changed your mind!" When he didn't respond, I turned to see his face.
His expression was unlike anything I'd ever seen. "Something's wrong." was all he said as he held the back of his head with one hand. Realizing I didn't hear the volleyball, my mind raced outside, Where's Lauren Elizabeth? Did our dog get hit by a car?
Wincing, he said it again, "Something's wrong" as he walked towards me, giving no indication there was anything wrong outside.
"Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
He now put both hands behind the back of his head as the color drained from his face.
"Adam, sit down!" Jumping to get him to the couch, "Are you hurt? Did you get hit? What's wrong?"
"My head. Something's wrong. It feels like I got blindsided with a baseball bat, like something exploded."
What happened next is something I'll regret for the rest of my life. I'm a speech language pathologist and have worked with stroke and trauma patients for most of my career. I clicked into therapy mode and began assessing. Grabbing my phone, I flicked the flashlight to his eyes. Pupils responded bilaterally. Adam said the lower back of his head hurt (Occipital lobe) was there blurry vision? Double vision? Lack of peripheral vision? No to all of these. His speech was clear/articulate and not slowed or slurred. No facial weakness or drooping, strength was good when squeezing my fingers, you get the point. All this to say, I thought he pinched a nerve or hoped he didn't have a herniated disc as the source of his pain. I truly didn't think it was anything neurological.
I actually told him I'd get some Tylenol and water so he could rest on the couch. We're in our late 40's, he has no cholesterol or blood pressure issues, there's no family history of stroke/aneurism, we don't smoke, drink, do drugs...nothing would indicate something severe.
"Beatty, something's wrong and I need you to take me to the emergency room, now." He knew. As much as I tried to refuse anything could be seriously wrong, he knew.
I scrambled to get the keys and didn't know Adam had gone to our daughter and dog who were now inside, to say goodbye to them and our sons. He worried it was the last time he'd see them.
Throwing the hazards on, I sped through traffic. "What happened? What's going on?"
Adam explained how he was outside talking with our neighbor, Matt, then went to do the yardwork. He was perfectly fine one minute, then had excruciating pain in the back of his head as he stood up from trimming under a shrub.
He whispered, "I didn't play volleyball with her. I didn't spend time talking outside with Matt. I didn't even pet the dog..."
Quickly glancing at him as I passed a line of cars, I grew more concerned. "You can do all of that when we get back home. You're okay."
Pulling into the ER, Adam cautiously walked as a security guard raised his brow and pulled a wheelchair around. Checking in, a nurse pushed him back to a room where we waited for the Doctor.
When he appeared, he asked a series of questions while Adam continued to hold his head. The Doctor didn't seem to be extremely worried, stating he would run a CT scan to rule out the worst case scenario, even though Adam didn't present as having neurological signs or symptoms.
While two people came to push his bed out, it wasn't long before they brought him back. Adam was doubled over in pain now, saying when he had to lie flat on the hard surface for the scan, it was the worst pain he'd ever had.
Going to his side, I put one hand on his shoulder and tried to put pressure on his chest with the other to calm him. Out of nowhere, the same man as before rushed in the room, this time as a completely different doctor. "Okay, folks, it's not good. We've got an ambulance to take you to Neuro ICU with a Neurosurgeon and team ready when you get there. Your brain is bleeding and we need to move."
This is pretty much when the world stopped spinning. Adam started to convulse as I turned back to him with my hands still pressing on him. I always thought in a fight or flight situation I would be a rock, but it was the total opposite. My legs started to give and I felt myself ready to throw up everywhere.
Someone came from behind to guide me to sit me down but I shook them away, then leaned forward to Adam. As hard as I tried not to cry, I began weeping uncontrollably. His eyes were filled with tears as I put my forehead to his. "This isn't happening. This is not going to happen. You're fine. Everything's alright and you're completely fine." He whispered back, "I'm sorry. I don't want to leave you and the kids. I promise I'll fight like hell. I'm so sorry."
I remember the siren and tried to process how my husband was the one inside the ambulance. Rage filled as they wouldn't let me go with him, then it quickly turned to focus. Standing at the nurses station, my mind narrowed. "Where is he going, how do I get there?" I have no idea who helped me put an address into my phone while they asked if I needed to contact someone to drive. I simply turned to rush to the car. One of the strongest memories I have is putting both hands on the steering wheel while trying to remember how to breathe. "Get to the hospital, get to him and pray to God he makes it." Looking up, I started the car with the hazards again, saying, "Not today, God. Do not do this."
Anyone who knows me knows I have zero sense of direction. My Dad used to say I couldn't find my way out of a wet paper bag. When the invention of the app, "Life 360" came about, it was the greatest thing because Adam, who used to be a fighter pilot, has an uncanny ability to find a needle in a haystack whether it's through training, through instinct, or both as he can see where I am to guide me in the right direction.
I didn't know where the main hospital was. Somehow even when I follow Waze or GPS I can still end up at some random airport or grocery store. It's uncanny how I manage to do this, but no matter what, I always know he will be there when I call. Through pure reflex, I reached to call him, then began shaking again refusing to believe he wasn't there.
Somehow finding my way, I ran into the main entrance while a woman leisurely went over the Covid protocol like it was a regular Sunday morning. All I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs. She mentioned something about elevators and I raced off. Searching for anything I could find to get to Adam, I managed to locate signs for the ICU. Shooting to a woman behind another main desk, she seemed somewhat confused at to how quickly I'd arrived from the North emergency room, stating Adam hadn't even gotten settled into his ICU room yet. All I could think was if they needed to get him to his room, he was still alive as I blurted, "Where is he so I can get to him?"
She calmly asked me to have a seat until they could call me back.
Still shaking, I called my parents to try to explain while Mom responded, "We're getting the kids, take care of Adam, call as soon as you can."
"You can come back now" were the five words that filled the air while I tried to find my legs.
He looked frail. Carefully studying his eyes it was still him, but he seemed almost childlike in a hospital gown, hooked up to IVs and monitors around him.
"They said I have to get surgery and I'll be here for two weeks."
"What is happening? What's going on?" I desperately wanted answers, but wouldn't leave him to ask. Adam said they diagnosed it as a "Subarachnoid Hemorrhage" and needed to go in to see how things looked, ruling out aneurysm/stroke, etc.
None of it made sense. I still couldn't and wouldn't believe it. Holding onto him, I was worried at any given minute someone would ask me to leave due to the protocols of ICU or Covid, until a nurse smiled and approached, saying I could stay as long as I wanted.
I watched him. I studied the monitors, listened to his breathing, memorized the expression on his face and prayed.
My parents had the kids, one of our sons told our youth minister and within no time, a pastor from our church, Chip was at Adam's side covering him in prayer.
As fast as everything spun out of control, that's how quickly things became covered in peace. By praying over him it was as though an anchor calmed the storm. Adam's face changed, his entire body changed. I don't know if Chip realized the magnitude as he soon left, but Adam was different both physically and mentally.
When the time came for his surgery, I was asked to wait in the lobby as the ICU team prepared for the surgical team to take him away. What happened next, was something that took another day for him to tell me.
His surgery went perfectly well. I returned to his ICU room and sat in a miserable chair beside him throughout the night and into the day until he looked over as he woke, saying, "I saw death."
Nodding, I responded, "I know. Everyone was scared to death, but I'm glad you're going to be okay."
"No. I actually saw death. When the room was empty, you were gone and no one had come to take me away for the procedure, I saw the spirit of death."
Completely confused, I leaned forward. "What do you mean, 'death'? Like a ghost or something?"
"It wasn't a ghost. I couldn't see through it. It was a large dark solid figure standing to the left corner of my room, staring at me. He didn't reach for me, come towards me, he just stood there, squared off at me." I tried to process what he was saying as he went on to explain how originally, he'd thought the darkness that caught his eye was from a computer monitor from the ones being brought in and removed in that same corner. Ironically, every time a nurse brought a different computer to that area of his room, it would die. The TV was in the same corner and it went out, too. Assuming he was seeing the darkness in his peripheral vision of another blank screen, he wondered when they'd brought another computer in because he hadn't heard them. That's when he turned and caught sight of the figure.
It took a minute for me to speak, "To begin with, this doesn't make any sense and yes, as you can imagine, I'm freaking out. How are you telling me you saw 'death' and you're not freaking out?
He shook his head, "I wasn't scared. I knew what it was. I knew who he was, but I wasn't scared. I started to pray."
"For God to save you?"
"No, for God not to take me, yet. I prayed, 'God, if Thou be willing, take this cup from me, nevertheless not my will but Thine be done.' It's always been one of my favorite verses and for whatever reason, it was the first thing that came to mind."
I sat quietly, not sure of how to think, as he continued.
"Then light began."
"Light?"
"Well, I don't know how to say it in words, there's no real word that can explain it. It wasn't a light exactly, it was a brightness, a warmth, peace...it started from my right and began to surround me. I was encompassed by it and heard the words, "It is I, I have you".
Adam said he watched as the figure of death didn't disappear, instead was pulled away from him or he was pulled away from it, he wasn't sure. He said there was no sign of an ICU room anymore, he was completely surrounded in this light and could only see his own body, nothing else. I asked if he felt like he left his body, but he shook his head, no. "I didn't die. It wasn't anything like that. I was here the whole time and as soon as I was encompassed completely in this light, it then suddenly went away and I was left here in the ICU room connected to everything with all of the noises and sounds around me.
I was trying to understand. I honestly couldn't. None of it made sense and it was difficult not to wonder if there wasn't an element of pain or drug or medication involved.
I come from Southeastern Ohio and we're born and raised to be strong, tough, some might even say, stubborn. We take care of each other and we're fiercely protective. I've had the same best friend, Tricia since the age of three and when it was later that evening, I called her, explaining what Adam had said. I thought I heard what sounded like crying, but I knew better because as I mentioned, we're stubborn and tough. I was wrong. Tricia went on to say how when I texted from the lobby that he was about to go back for surgery, she began praying harder than physically possible. She said what she couldn't explain was that from where she was in Ohio, she saw and heard what I had just described from Adam's experience, except Adam and I are states away in North Carolina. Tricia had previously assumed it was in her mind as she prayed, but was shocked when I poured out the same exact details coming from him.
How could it be possible?
I needed to get my bearings, so while Adam slept I shot home to hug the kids and my parents and tried to make sense of it all. Throwing my purse on the floor and my keys on the counter, I decided not to tell the kids, because I didn't want to worry them saying, "Daddy saw death yesterday, guys!" Not the best conversation to have all things considered.
Our friend, Tracy had set up a meal train and my parents went on and on about how amazing the food was from friends and neighbors. I know it's not a good characteristic that I'll never ask for help, but it did give me comfort to know our kids and my parents were being so well taken care of.
Racing back, I sat in the impossible chair again, watching him, his monitors and his breathing while questions swarmed. It wasn't until the morning when I realized how starving I was. My head was pounding and his breakfast tray arrived, making me realize I hadn't eaten yet. Looking to the floor around me, I couldn't find my pocket book to grab money for food. I turned left, right, behind the chair until I realized, I left it on the kitchen floor back home. I had nothing but my car keys and my cell phone. This is where a normal person would call someone for food or money, but again...stubborn.
I put it in my mind I would go home again that night to see our family and eat/get my purse. I wouldn't say anything to anyone and stay focused on Adam.
A friend, Karie texted that she and another friend, Scarlett were going to visit later that day. I thought for a second to ask for food, but didn't.
That afternoon, I went to the ICU lobby to try to catch them so they wouldn't have to search for Adam's room. As I turned the corner, I smelled the most amazing heaven scent of any grandma's kitchen wafting through the air. I thought it was chicken noodle soup and asked two women I found sitting in the waiting room with bowls where they got it. They were so sweet and told me it was broccoli cheese soup from a Panera downstairs in the hospital. We started to talk a little as I waited for my friends which led to asking why we were there. One woman said her Uncle was eating breakfast on Sunday and yelled while grabbing the back of his head, went down and they were taking him off of life support now. She was there waiting for her Mom and family to say their goodbye's. In disbelief, I realized everyone in the waiting room had to have unimaginable stories. I couldn't comprehend the amount of loss and pain in one place.
I told them a little about Adam and tried to smile saying how I was just telling him before everything that our 20th wedding anniversary was coming up and joked saying it would've taken an act of God to get a minute alone together between both of our jobs, four kids, sports and everything else in the world.
One of the women looked up and put her soup down. Her demeanor changed on a dime and she looked hard at me. "You're the one." Grinning, I questioned, "What?" She continued, "Listen, I don't like hospitals. I don't want to be here. I've already said goodbye to my Uncle and now I'm waiting for my family, but I hate hospitals. To tell you the truth, I already left. I left this lobby, I left this building, I left this hospital. I made it all the way out to my car and got in and got on my cell phone. Then I heard a voice inside of me saying, "Go back", but I didn't want to. I heard it again, "Go back" but I tried to ignore it. Again, "Go back and deliver My message," so I grabbed my purse, my keys, my phone and I stomped back up to this waiting room where I've been sitting here, saying, 'What God?'...and then you came along."
My eyes grew wide as I questioned what in the world was going on. I didn't know these two, they didn't know me, so what was she talking about delivering a message?
She continued, "You have not, because you ask not. That's what God put on my heart to say to you."
What? Why was she telling me this? Again, she didn't know me and I had never had anyone, friend or stranger tell me God put something on them to tell me. Obviously she had the wrong person.
Again, she said, "You have not, because you ask not. Ask and it shall be given to you, knock and the door shall be opened unto you. Do you hear me?"
She was adamant and continued, "You just said it would take an act of, what? An act of God to give you time with your husband and look at what He did. Maybe not in your way, but in His and what are you doing with it? Are you praying together? Thanking God together for the gift He's given you?"
It was as though she was starting a fire and there was no putting her out. It was about this time her friend spoke up saying, "I am a single mother of five and look at me." She opened her purse and unzipped her wallet. Pulling cash out, she gestured it toward me saying, "God put it on my heart that you're hungry, you need to eat".
I stopped breathing.
I stood frozen, unable to move as the first woman nodded, saying, "I feel the same, take this and eat". Reaching into her purse, she pulled money out and tried to hand it to me. I lifted both of my hands away and shook my head no, somehow finding the words to thank them, while refusing to take their money. Just then, out of nowhere a third woman from another area of the waiting room stood and began to approach as I realized we may be upsetting to her depending on her situation.
I turned to apologize if we were being disruptive and she shook her head, no. She began, "My son is in surgery right now I'm sitting here praying for everything to go well." She continued, "I don't want you to think I'm eavesdropping, but I heard you three and ever since this morning, something happened that didn't make sense until right now. I was getting ready at home and heard a voice saying, "Take money for someone while you wait." She stated how she didn't understand it and ignored it at first, especially since she literally never carried cash on her. She continued stating she heard it again until she found a ten and took it with her, having no idea why. "When I overheard you, I had to stand up and come over, because I'm supposed to give this to you."
Holding the money out to me, I physically stepped back and watched as all three women felt the same thing I did, minus the fact that I couldn't believe what was happening while they all seemed to be sure of it.
I told them how I had no money, I hadn't eaten and was absolutely starving, but couldn't take their money. The first woman collected all of it and put it in the pocket of my sweatshirt as I tried to pull away. Shaking her head, she questioned, "Maybe you didn't hear me? You have not, because you ask not. Do not refuse gifts from God."
As I cried, I heard Karie and Scarlett at the front desk and called them over. I'm sure they assumed the worst about Adam while I was obviously a mess, so I quickly explained and introduced them to the three women. Scarlett went to get soup which was the best soup I'd ever had, Karie went back to the ICU with me to visit Adam and they brought with them snacks, the warmest blanket and a pillow which carried us through the rest of our time in the hospital as Adam and I shared them.
On and on there were countless times people, friends, strangers came along and somehow provided exactly what we needed. Family, friends and coworkers were amazing, neighbors, teachers and hospital staff were unbelievable, the kids' first babysitter, Hannah knocked one day because she's now a nurse and Adam was on her floor...countless situations showing us, no, proving to us that the power of prayer and what Adam ended up calling the fingerprints of God...since there were far too many to only be the hands, were sprinkled throughout every single day and night.
One of the ICU nurses came in days after Adam's arrival when they felt sure he was out of the woods. She simply stated that so many people who have this happen die instantly or within the first 24 hours, after that, a good number of people have permanent brain damage and then she shook her head smiling, "and then there's you".
We still don't know why it happened. Our family had Covid a few months back and some people are saying there's a correlation. We asked the Neurosurgeon if that could've been the reason among other questions. After all the years Adam pulled G's while flying the jet, could that have affected the integrity of a vessel which finally presented itself? Around and round we went with the "whys" until the surgeon simply said, there was no way of knowing. It shouldn't have happened and he told Adam to live his life as though it would never happen again. There was no genetic component, no lifestyle component...it was just one of those things. Subarachnoid hemorrhages are typically associated with aneurysms, but earlier this week they again went in for a second procedure, confirming there was no threat of that happening.
People have told us this week they've taken more time to play with their kids, spend time with their families, enjoy the moments previously gone unnoticed due to the hustle and bustle of life. That's the thing though. You always think it will never happen to you, you're too young, too healthy, so on and so forth. When it does though, it's hard to know how you'll respond.
I'm still trying to process the why's and how's of it all, but Adam isn't. He knows what he experienced, what he saw and what it meant to him. We both agree it's impossible to explain, but even more impossible to deny.
I feel like I've lived life so far in the shallow end of the pool, feeling love and praying for others with a lightness of sorts...meaning what I say...all while I've also known prayer warriors who seemed to have a whole deeper level. I've felt that level now and realize there's so much more to this life than treading above water. When you dive deep, it's an entirely different experience to say the least.
Adam was released and he's home now. He still has pain and sleeps a lot, but he is getting stronger by the minute. I've noticed he's changed from being mission ready at all times with a punch list of things to do and accomplish, to taking it easy and enjoying the little things.
I believe our job will be to hold onto this experience and take the good from it in appreciating every minute of life here on earth. Once you've experienced how quickly it can all change in the blink of an eye, those same eyes become wide open to the power of what God can do in ways not humanly possible...and I'll be forever thankful He gave us more time to enjoy with our family and friends...never again taking one single day for granted.
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