<![CDATA[Peanut Butter Hair

<![CDATA[Peanut Butter Hair - Blog]]>Sat, 22 Mar 2025 13:10:48 -0700Weebly<![CDATA[Cheer Competition in Texas]]>Sun, 02 Mar 2025 15:35:01 GMThttp://peanutbutterhair.com/blog/cheer-competition-in-texasThe screams were like nothing I’d heard before. The team our daughter cheers with was together, preparing to meet for their warm up time. We gathered in a balcony type landing with a glass railing overlooking a large area of a convention center in Dallas, Texas. Thousands of athletes from throughout the country join each year for the NCA (National Cheerleaders Association) competition. Little did we know this year would bring what happened next.
The parents gathered, talking and catching up on travel, hotels, restaurants…our girls were near, doing the same but with assuredly different topics of conversation. When the screaming suddenly occurred, we began to silence. It was blood curdling. So loud and so intense from the floor below us, I naively and genuinely assumed someone famous had entered the building. I turned to look over the balcony when the world as we knew it stopped spinning. Hundreds upon hundreds of people were fleeing and shoving through the doors to run outside. I heard a man in the crowd scream, “SHOOTER!” and I turned back to look for my daughter and husband. As intense as the screaming was, it was almost as though the building went silent. The best way I can explain it is when you hear a loud explosion or noise and everything goes still or in slow motion around you, leaving you with a ringing in your ears. Frantically, I locked eyes with my husband, Adam who immediately turned to run to the top of the escalator of the landing frantically screaming for our daughter. My worst nightmare was playing out in front of me in real time. She was nowhere to be found. Even though I couldn’t process quickly enough, Adam looked back at me and I shifted into autopilot to start running towards him. Adam screamed at me over the chaos I could suddenly hear again. “Where is she? Where’s Lauren?”
“I don’t know. She was just right here!" I screamed back, but the area where we stood was now empty besides one team mom. I looked at my phone for anything and one of our friends, Paige texted, "I have her. We're in the bathroom." I screamed to Adam, she’s in the bathroom let’s go. He yelled back, you go, get her I’m staying here. I stopped frozen, “WHAT?!” I yelled again for him to come with me and he screamed, “Go! Go to her." I know him. I knew he would stay watching over even though I wanted him to go with me. I turned around and ran.
In the bathroom, there were soft sounds, no visuals of people throughout, but I whispered her name and heard her small voice. Cracking open the stall, she was with three other girls and Paige, all standing within the locked stall so their feet couldn’t be seen. Every stall was full of children and moms.
I've worked in public schools for years and trained for lock downs, but nothing prepared me for the real thing. I don’t care how many videos you watch, how many times you practice or drill. When you believe there is truly someone out there, your entire world becomes as small as a bathroom stall and every noise you hear becomes an active shooter. I quietly cracked opened the main bathroom door to look out, worried about Adam. He came in our direction and stood outside the door. I snapped to him to come inside and he said no, shutting the door. I stayed on the inside, he was on the out, the kids were phenomenal, the adults were phenomenal as they focused on trying to keep everyone calm and quiet. Adam opened the door for someone to then come in saying, “let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.” funneling us to run into a different room, taking cover in an opening behind a wall. There were so many little ones and so many parents huddled together in a dark space trying to hold on to each other. This was the first time I was able to process. Everything was going so fast and my thoughts weren’t able to catch up until that point. There were children, seven or eight year-old children who were separated from their parents. Strangers were trying to comfort strangers. Everyone was holding on to each other in the darkness. Staying quiet, and trying to stay calm, holding onto anything we could grasp. I began to move so I could go out and get Adam from the hallway to come back and hide with us. Paige stopped me. “He wants you to stay here, let him do what he needs to do, he does not want you to leave.” I knew she was right, but I wanted him to be with us. Yet again, someone came and directed us to run, “Go, run, the entire building is being evacuated.” This led to the worst part of the experience. What I didn’t know was that while all of this was happening, somebody told Adam there was in fact a shooter, it was in the floor below us and now people were talking of threats of bombs. The rational brain wants to believe everything was happening so quickly causing things to get out of hand due to chaos, misinformation and fear. Your instincts, however race into fight or flight. No matter what the situation was, at the time we had to assume it was real. We had to keep the kids safe and get them away from the source of danger whatever it might be. We were rushed to an outside stairwell. So many people were crammed together, the stairs were exposed to the outside as the concrete railings allowed overlooks to the outside grounds. It was difficult to move as bodies were pushed against each other from all sides. Yelling suddenly began again, this time from the ground below us as people fled in all directions shouting that more shots were fired. We were trapped. People from all sides began to scream and push. I wrapped my arms around our daughter who had never felt so small. I braced her against the railing as she began shaking and I yelled to her, “No one will get to you. They can push, shoot, no matter what, they will not get to you through me.” Lauren Elizabeth doesn’t cry. Growing up with three brothers changes her perspective on a lot of things, one of them being to, “toughen up” on most things in life. Pulling my head back to look at her, however, it's the picture I’ll never forget. To experience terror in your child’s eyes. Pure fear that an active shooter is on the other side of a stairwell, will haunt you. I began praying over her, as she repeated, “I don’t want to die, mom. I don’t want to die. I want to go home. I want to see my brothers again. Mama, please don’t let me die.” Adam was forcing himself through the stairs to get to us. Armed police began working through the stairwell through the crying, pressure, pushing. We were thankful to see them and grateful they surrounded so quickly. Somehow we worked our way to the bottom of the stairs, and backed against a wall. Adam began talking with another father from a different cheer team. He informed Adam that two of their dads were police officers and were carrying. Adam turned and said, “We’re staying with them”. We made our way across the grounds, through shrubs, areas of bamboo stalks, pushed and held hands to begin getting as far away from the facility as possible. Another one of the girls Paige had gathered hadn’t seen her mom throughout and when the cell coverage finally became more connected, they reunited with an unbreakable grasp and sobs of relief. Looking around, it was like a movie set. People were screaming, hugging, sobbing, sirens everywhere. Police officers and police cars were endless. News cameras, lost shoes on the ground, dropped bags, reports of blood, broken bones from falling or being trampled. Parents who still couldn’t find their children and children who were crying for their moms. Our experience was one of thousands. None of it could be real, yet it altogether was.
The reports state at the end of the day, it all began with a fight between parents. The police state there was no gun, nor gun shot, while others swear by the fact they heard shots fired. In this day and age, until you’re out of the situation, you have to assume it’s real and act accordingly as sad as it is to say.
We eventually got back to the hotel, Adam’s parents were visiting so we ate our WhataBurger and In and Out while Lauren Elizabeth Facetimed with her friends and Adam and I tried to choke down our food. It was a snapshot of “normalcy” that we had taken for granted before this.
Trying to sleep that night in the hotel, I listened to him breath and could tell he was still awake. I whispered, “When I hear a sound in the hallway I want to check on it.” “I know. I do, too.” He whispered back. We’re grown adults and we’re on edge, I can’t imagine what the day will do to children. Countless stories, one after another mixed in with some, “Why did everyone panic so much over a fight?” When I hear the expression, “If you weren’t there, you’ll never understand”, from now on, it’ll hold a much greater meaning. It’s an experience no one would ever want to relive, while heartbreaking that so many people from schools and life have experienced such true situations.
The next day, the competition resumed. To go back to the same place where it all occurred was difficult to say the least. Anytime a team screamed or celebrated, we flinched with increased heart rates. Our coaches, team moms and parents were outstanding, keeping our girls together and accounted for at all times. The dads flanked the team as they moved from meeting place to warm ups. The girls performed beautifully.
No one should live in fear, I one thousand percent believe that. If only just for one night, I'll put my hand on my child’s back to feel her quiet breathing while she sleeps, and pray to never see the look I saw within her, ever again.

]]><![CDATA[Disney Halloween]]>Sun, 20 Oct 2024 17:21:17 GMThttp://peanutbutterhair.com/blog/disney-halloween     When the kids were young, we had a lot of fun with Halloween. I mean, we really had fun.
      Okay, I'll be honest...I probably had more fun planning, organizing and putting together their costumes and themes than they did...but for some reason I never truly registered the concept of the day it would all end. Sure, I knew they would grow up and the family themed Trick-or-Treating would turn into the kids running around the neighborhood with their friends instead. This eventually transitioned into them going to high school parties and then finally, two are off to college with a quick call or text with their fun for the night at the very best.
      Everyone said it would all go so fast and they were right.
    One thing we never did, but always wanted to do was go to the "Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party". Like everything else, time and life got away from us and we never made it happen. Each year I would convince myself the next year we would go, but we didn't. It got to the point when I felt the kids were simply too old altogether.
     Then it hit me. As much fun as we had Trick-or-Treating when they were young, it could be so much fun now that they're older. We called our oldest two boys and told them come home for the weekend, then threw all four kids in the car.
     It's been so long since we've been together. Our second son was a church camp counselor the entire summer and we barely saw him. To hear them together again with their laughter, bickering and teasing was the truest happiness my heart could hold.
     Once we got to Disney, our time began by mistakenly making one of our favorite memories of the night. Our daughter pulled us into the line for the "Little Mermaid" ride since it was such a short wait, stating she knew she would ride everything her brothers wanted to so it was only fair. Little did we know, it wasn't the ride, but instead it was meeting "The Little Mermaid" herself. All three boys shook their heads whispering, "Nope." and tried to walk through, but the Disney staff was beyond wonderful and played along with it. Ariel even fiddled with our mortified youngest son's hair with her dinglehopper (fork).
     The attention to detail throughout the night was spectacular. The parade was phenomenal, the decorations beautiful and don't get me started on the candy. There were actual barrels of candy and they shoveled, yes shoveled loads into your trick-or-treat bag.
    It was a magical night and definitely symbolized a different chapter in life. Even though their younger days are gone, it was wonderful to see knowing they're older and forever connected. I'll always miss the days of family costumes in cool autumn nights shuffling though leaves from door to door, but walking behind them now as they laughed and carried on together with bags of candy in hand, warmed my heart with the love they are today.

]]><![CDATA[Awesome Parenting Advice]]>Mon, 04 Sep 2023 11:22:50 GMThttp://peanutbutterhair.com/blog/parenting-advice I grew up in Southeastern Ohio, surrounded by the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains. Autumns were painted by the hand of God, with leaves soaked in gold, fire, and pumpkin spice covering the land. Winters and Springs were just as magical in their own right. Snow sparkled under moonlight, only to fall so deeply that by morning it was up to our moonboots as we trudged to the bus stop each day. If you don't know what moonboots are, look them up. They were everything.
I grew up with chickens, a garden, the neighbors behind us through the woods had horses and a pond where we'd ice skate through the winter and swim in the summer, oh the summer...
In the 80's, summers were different. Our parents would send us out of the house only to come back in due to blood or bones. The girls I grew up with, Tricia, Amy, Kristie, Bobbi Jo, Marcie, Michelle...we all lived throughout the same woods/area and spent endless summers running from house to house, laughing at everything and nothing at all. If we were lucky, we'd have a dollar or two between us to scoot into the little gas station down the hill called Milky's. It was Marcie's grandpa's place. His name was Pig and I vividly remember surviving entire 90 degree days on our bikes with nothing but cans of ice-cold pop that cost a quarter and candy bars being around the same price.
Every morning of my life began with the alarm clock of our rooster crowing out back, only to end the day with my windows open for the breeze, fireflies as my nightlight and crickets in their lullaby.
Now raising four kids of our own, I literally couldn't imagine them spending a day like this. I know it's a different world, a different time, but it's more than that. I'm different, too.
Not that I want to helicopter parent, but I can't fathom letting, let alone encouraging my kids run all day. I talked with my parents about it years ago, wondering why they thought this was and my Dad gave me one of the best pieces of parenting advice I've ever heard, and I've tried to apply to this day.
"Raising a child is like horseback riding" he said over a cup of coffee.
"Wait, what?"
He explained, "When you're holding the reins, if you pull too tightly, the bit in his mouth will hurt and control the horse too much, he will fight you. You'll have a constant battle on your hands as his anger will focus on forcing you off, bucking you or breaking free by any means possible.
If you let go of the reins altogether, the horse will run free. You'll have no control over him and he'll lose you and your guidance, only to get lost, possibly and probably into harm's way.
The best way to ride a horse is by holding the reins so there's a balanced combination of freedom and lead. Let the horse wander, run, explore, but if you see there's danger ahead, a snake, cliff...your job is to pull the reins and guide him into safety. He should trust you and you should trust him. The balance should hold throughout each path and stage of the ride.
This can be hard to navigate sometimes as every child is different. Yes, our kids have grown up with structure and rules, but we try to give them the ability to be independent and free.
There's nothing more telling and evident of this than when they leave the house. Sending two sons off to college now, somedays I find myself glued to my phone checking on them, while others having no idea if they're in the country. I am still trying to learn the balance of how to parent, even when they're no longer home.
At the end of the day, sometimes I want to hold tightly to the reins for each of our kids. Our 16 year old son and his driving, our 14 year old daughter and teen drama, 18 and 20 year old sons who are out of the house...I need to remind myself to ease up and give them slack to find their way through the good, bad and everything in between.
Before I know it, they'll take their own paths without our guide altogether, choosing each decision while carrying with them my hope that we've raised them well enough.
I pray now and until then, they'll hold that balance of faith, direction and guidance, all while having the spirit and heart with a passion to run like the wind.
]]><![CDATA[To our Son on Graduation]]>Sun, 11 Jun 2023 13:44:52 GMThttp://peanutbutterhair.com/blog/to-our-son-at-graduationDear Ethan,
You are our second son, about to leave home and go into the world...your Dad and I want you to remember some things before you go.
I don't know if this is true, but I heard once of a group of brilliant minds who gathered to create a perfect environment. So much so, that they developed a bio-dome of sorts with a habitat of the exact amount of soil, nutrients, plants, air quality, rain, light, PH balance, on and on, resulting in a utopia if you will.
As to be expected, things flourished. Every living thing thrived and grew beautifully. Until however, something began to go wrong.
Trees started to die and fall, plants began to wither, every scientist scrambled to stop the downward spiral, having no idea how to remedy the situation. Scratching their heads, they were sure that every element was exact, having no clue of what could be causing the destruction.
It turned out, in all of their planning - the one thing they forgot to add to their perfection - was resistance. There was no wind. They didn't add the force or push of something to go against the growth. What once grew beautifully and flourished with no struggle, came to a point where the roots became weak without wind - which in nature causes trees to bend and roots to strengthen.
As you go into the world, remember this. People think they want the "perfect life", but if you don't have challenges to go against you, if everything goes your way as people often hope it does, you will not grow stronger. You won't have the ability to handle tough situations and will fail to thrive.
Remember your faith.
For 18 years you have been raised in our faith, in our home. We've taken you to church, raised you with our beliefs, but now your beliefs will be your own, and they will be tested. You will absolutely meet people who don't believe the same as you, and that's a good thing. Learn from others, be an example to others. Stay true to who you are. People will question you, they will question God. It may seem at times to be an impossible task to define God, but it's like trying to compare the Internet to an ant. The internet does exist, an ant does exist, they are both very real. But try to make an ant comprehend the magnitude of the Internet. At times it can be impossible to wrap our heads around, but God is very real. Every creation has a creator and you can count on Him to guide your path.
Remember your friends.
You literally have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Even from the age of three, you have been with them. Never lose sight of that connection and hold them close in your heart for the rest of your life. As you meet new friends, remember the most basic element. You will find good friends and bad friends. Good friends are happy when you're happy, and sad when you're sad. Bad friends are happy when you're sad and sad when you're happy. It's as simple as that. The best friends will be the same behind your back as they are in front of your face. Surround yourself with them and be that friend in life.
Lift others up, don't tear down and by all means, if you find yourself eating lunch with the wrong people...leave the table...you'll be surprised at the amazing friends who might be at the very next meal.
Remember your family.
No greater love on this earth is more than what we have for you. We will protect you, love you and be there for you in every and all situations. We have been there for your first breath, your first tooth, your first step, first day of school and now suddenly, graduation. I remember when you and your brothers and sister were hanging in and off of a grocery cart I exhaustedly pushed one day as an older woman smiled passing by. "It goes by fast", she winked, but I didn't believe her.
As impossible as that was to comprehend then, now the time has come. We know you'll spread your wings and soar. Remember to circle back and give your mom a hug every once in a while, and always, always remember our hearts are with you.
As excited as we are for what adventures lie ahead in your future, we're so thankful for the son you are today.
Remember who you are, remember where you came from and have faith in where you're going.
We Love You, more than you'll ever know.
Love,
Mom

]]><![CDATA[Taking your Firstborn to College]]>Sat, 20 Aug 2022 11:10:59 GMThttp://peanutbutterhair.com/blog/taking-your-firstborn-to-college The alarm on my phone began to nag, but I'd been staring in the dark for hours - trying to determine the feelings I had inside. Almost like the morning of a flight or a surgery. Two things I hate the most.
Hitting snooze, I decided it was because of the unknown. Something out of my control and could do nothing about. It was going to happen even though I really didn't want it to.
For months I'd connected with different moms, listening to every range of emotion from, "I don't want them to leave for college...or ever", to "I already have their bags packed". The biggest takeaway I've gained from this is to respect each person's path. People are wired differently, with their own life experiences and emotions. They handle change in their way and respond accordingly.
That being said, I knew myself and assumed I would take, "dropping our firstborn off to college" as an adventure filled with nothing but, "You can do this" or the "Places you'll go" kind of attitude.
When the actual morning arrived however, this was the furthest thing from the truth.
Still dark, I went down the hall to see if Christian was awake. Quietly opening his door, I heard his even breath as he slept. Refusing to cry, I immediately returned to the first days we brought him home from the hospital, when Adam and I ridiculously took turns watching over our sleeping newborn to make sure his breathing was steady.
Knowing we had too much to do, I shook my thoughts and began to brush the side of his hair above his ear, causing my throat to tighten as I've done this since he was a child. Again fighting the swell to cry, I smiled as I heard him whisper, "Today's the day".
The house awakened as our younger three began to appear from their rooms, my husband entered and I tried to gage his emotions. His expression was solemn. He and I knew the day would eventually come, it was impossible to believe it was here though.
Beginning the hustle and bustle of a home of six, I took each step with a gut punch as I methodically made four bagels, four this, four that, refusing to imagine what tomorrow would be like missing one.
Christian was packed and ready, said goodbye to our dog and headed to his car as the rest of us followed.

My head kept reminding me of how absurd it was to be upset. This was a good thing and he wasn't going far at all. His school is within the hour and I've watched many of his friends travel miles if not states away.
My heart though, my heart pounded out of my chest.
Pulling onto campus and navigating to his residence hall, tearful moms with eager kids and frustrated looking dads were scattered throughout the parking lot.
Bag by bag, we unloaded while helpful upper class students began to guide us in the right path. Music played and happy, fun older students welcomed our son. He met his two RA's, both girls which made our younger sons look like they were holding back high fives.
Little by little, almost as though on autopilot, we unknowingly fell into our places. The bed was turned into a loft, our daughter organized the desk and bed to her liking, while I Lysoled every square inch of the room.

Before we knew it, the room was as ready as it could be. I tried to imagine what the year would be like while hoping, praying it would be amazing.

We gathered and held onto each other, each giving Christian a word of encouragement before we left, then praying while I continued to fight back tears.
One by one there were hugs and goodbyes. The younger kids and my husband left the room as I remained. Wrapping my arms around him, he lowered his head into my shoulder, then sank into me. I wept. Not like, a little, but the kind of ugly cry that almost never happens. How could I let go of this baby boy who I still see as being on his first day of Kindergarten?
Holding him with an unnatural strength, I managed to whisper, "Not only do you need to spread your wings and fly, I want you to soar".
The stairs down were somewhat of a blur as Christian followed us to wave goodbye. His roommate moves in today, and we're happy and thankful they'll be together.
I would imagine it gets easier as the days, months and years go by, but I'm not there yet. Everyone says when you know he's happy, it'll all be okay and I believe that.
I have a whole new respect for all of those before us and a love for those yet to experience sending your kids off. It's quite possibly the greatest division between your heart and mind you'll ever have, knowing they need to go, while simply wanting them to stay. At the end of the day, my heart took the lead as it went with our son, all while knowing his greatest adventure is wonderfully in front of him.

]]><![CDATA[When Your Daughter Breaks Her Hand Before the Biggest Competition]]>Sat, 07 May 2022 00:10:56 GMThttp://peanutbutterhair.com/blog/when-your-daughter-breaks-her-hand-before-the-biggest-competition You know that feeling you get when you're sitting at your desk at work and the phone rings with the caller ID of your kids' school?
We have four kids at the same school, so the odds are never in our favor. Swiping my phone, my pulse increased a little as I wondered who and what...was someone in trouble, sick, hurt? The school never calls just to say hi, so I answered with apprehension.
Hello?
The school nurse responded pleasantly, (which is never a good sign). "Good morning! I am here with Lauren Elizabeth and you might want to head this way."
This is where I should mention that our 7th grade daughter has been on a competitive team with the most amazing gym, working endlessly for an entire year. They qualified for a National Competition called "The Summit" which anyone in the cheer world knows is, a big one.
Hearing Lauren Elizabeth's small voice in the background call out, "I'm okay!" My heart sank. What happened? The nurse did her best to explain without getting into too many details in front of our daughter so not to worry her, but I got the impression the nurse felt her hand/finger were broken.
Hanging up, I rushed to my car, phone in hand as I attempted to call my husband, but Adam beat me to it. "I'm already on my way to her, head home and we'll go from there," he blurted out until 15 minutes later, he called again stating, "Don't go home, go straight to urgent care, we're almost there now."
This isn't happening.
Pulling in, I ran as a polite woman at the front desk walked me back to our daughter.

She had her left hand covered and when I asked to see it, she showed me this...

Ummmmm, yeah.
Needless to say, the doctor ordered the obligatory X rays, which resulted in her hand being broken in two places. This is when Lauren Elizabeth began to cry for the first time. He tried to comfort her stating how he knew it hurt, but she shook her head simply saying, "Summit".
Her mind raced with how she could still compete.
I grew up in Southeastern Ohio where we lived as kids with the mentality of "just rub some dirt on it" for any injury. I have a best friend who broke one arm and learned to tumble with using only the other for the rest of the season. (Hi Amy) :) Is this a healthy mentality? Absolutely not, but it's how we were.
That being said, Adam and I didn't see how it was possible for Lauren Elizabeth to compete. She begged to talk to her coach and at least try. This is where as a parent you consider all of the options while being exponentially thankful for having the best people in your child's life. The gym is so positive and supportive, we knew if there was anyway a coach could make things happen, her coach could.
Going to Florida, there was no drama, no guilt or blame which can be so prevalent in competitive team sports. Her teammates genuinely wanted to make sure she was OK as her coach approached her, giving her a quick hug while saying, "Let's go, we're going to figure out how to make this work".
The ESPN Sports Center at Disney gave each team 15 minutes of floor time to practice.
15 minutes.
Her coaches had to take a routine the team had worked on for a year and figure out how to rearrange things so she didn't use her left hand. If not, they would instead need to understandably pull her from the competition altogether. It was the longest 15 minutes - waiting outside in the muggy Florida heat, eager to see what her expression would be when they finished and came out of practice.
She was beaming. Her coaches worked it out so she did standing back tucks and altered her positions so her left hand never had an ounce of pressure.
How they did it, I'll never know, but what I'm sure of, is so many times teams or gyms treat their athletes as being completely replaceable. It creates a feeling that they simply don't matter any more than the next competition or win. When push comes to shove, her coaches not only covered her in love and support, they made her feel necessary and irreplaceable. You couldn't ask for more in the development of a child.
Friday morning came, the team performed an amazing routine, securing a spot in the final round of the competition on Sunday.
She had never been to the finals and her heart soared as she prepared for the day.
Giving a powerful performance, the routine hit again and it would've been next to impossible to find a more elated group of kids, parents or coaches on earth.
We're back home now, back to normal and back to the daily grind. We'll always look back on the weekend with fondness and wonder though.
The good that came out of the experience was to learn that life will always throw curveballs your way, the key is to figure out how to work through them. More importantly, it taught her the value of surrounding yourself with good people. People who will support you, protect you and defend you even when things aren't perfect.
She will carry this weekend with her throughout her life knowing that in relationships with friends, school, sports, jobs, no matter what, to know your worth. Treat others with love, respect and support and protect the ones you care about...while always, always, surrounding yourself with the same in return.
Thank You to the Coaches and Teammates who made the experience one of the best of her life.

]]><![CDATA[Halloween]]>Fri, 29 Oct 2021 01:47:22 GMThttp://peanutbutterhair.com/blog/halloween7278281 It was a good run. Our kids are older now and every single year (minus Covid) we've spent Halloween together as a family. Is this normal? When the kids were younger, sure, but for the past few years I knew our days were numbered. This year...it finally happened.
I had naively gathered the family to blissfully announce I was thinking of a Harry Potter theme with Lauren Elizabeth's hair teased out for Hermione, Preston as Harry Potter, Ethan as Professor Dumbledore, Christian as Hagrid, my husband as Voldemort and I as Professor McGonagall.
As the six of us stood around the kitchen counter, I was met with blank stares.
I questioned, "What, do you want a different theme?" Excitement in my voice as it'd been two years since we'd planned.
"Ummmmm, mom?" Our daughter muttered as the three boys turned their widely opened eyes to her, wondering if she had the nerve.
"I want to go with my friends."
The seven words were a knife to my heart. Her brothers took a step back and cautiously waited for my response.
"Mom?" Then our oldest began, "My friends all want to hang out, too."
Knife. Twist.
"Mom?..."
Turning to another son, my jaw dropped. "REALLY?!"
He began to laugh, "I'm sorry! But I got invited to a party and I really want to go!"
My husband, putting his hands on my shoulders grinned. "It's time. They need to spread their Halloween wings and have fun with their friends."
I knew it was true. It was a bitter sweet realization and I'm fully aware we've had more years of fun than I could ever hope for. It's just hard to know it's over. All the years of costumes, candy, fall leaves and candle lit pumpkins...over. I'm thankful for the years we've had and thankful for the years they'll have from now on.
I'll try to take some pictures as they go in different directions this year and hope to catch one or two. More than anything else however, I'm glad they have wonderful friends who they'll make new and amazing memories with. Even though I know ours are over, I'll hold them in my Trick-or-Treating heart forever.

Have a safe and Happy Halloween to you and yours! XO

]]><![CDATA[In The Face of Death]]>Sun, 02 May 2021 07:00:00 GMThttp://peanutbutterhair.com/blog/in-the-face-of-death When your husband tells you he was face to face with death, it's a little hard to comprehend.
If you believe in God, you might want to read this, if you don't believe in God, you might need to read this.
Let me go back. It was a perfect Sunday morning two weeks ago and Adam and I taught virtual Sunday School for the Middle School of our church. We've both been raised as Christians and have raised our four children in the same faith, but I can honestly say nothing profound or life altering has happened to us to a significant degree. Sure you hear about things happening to someone's cousin's, neighbor's, Grandma's friend...but nothing has or ever or would happen to us. This is a Mommy blog. You can go back days, months, even years and see it's a journal of sorts to remember fun times with the kids. Point being, there's not one story of anything like this from our lives.
So there we were. Sunday school was over, it was a beautiful day and for the first time this year, our daughter didn't have practice that we needed to fly out of the house for. We were free. Nothing to do and nowhere to go. My take on this was, "Let's relax and watch a movie". Adam who spent the first thirty some years of his life in the military, saw it as a blank slate to get things done around the house.
He stood, calling back to me, "I want to organize our closet, basement and get the yard work done today. Maybe later we can watch a show". I in turn, went to the living room for the TV remote. Rounding the couch with a big warm blanket, I never could've known our lives were about to change.
Our daughter and dog heard Adam go outside, so they both ran down the stairs to join. It truly was a beautiful day and as I heard Lauren Elizabeth begin to methodically thud a volleyball against the front of the house, I inwardly smiled and groaned simultaneously.
In what wasn't too long, Adam came back inside. I was still trying to find something to watch and smiled his way, "You changed your mind!" When he didn't respond, I turned to see his face.
His expression was unlike anything I'd ever seen. "Something's wrong." was all he said as he held the back of his head with one hand. Realizing I didn't hear the volleyball, my mind raced outside, Where's Lauren Elizabeth? Did our dog get hit by a car?
Wincing, he said it again, "Something's wrong" as he walked towards me, giving no indication there was anything wrong outside.
"Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
He now put both hands behind the back of his head as the color drained from his face.
"Adam, sit down!" Jumping to get him to the couch, "Are you hurt? Did you get hit? What's wrong?"
"My head. Something's wrong. It feels like I got blindsided with a baseball bat, like something exploded."
What happened next is something I'll regret for the rest of my life. I'm a speech language pathologist and have worked with stroke and trauma patients for most of my career. I clicked into therapy mode and began assessing. Grabbing my phone, I flicked the flashlight to his eyes. Pupils responded bilaterally. Adam said the lower back of his head hurt (Occipital lobe) was there blurry vision? Double vision? Lack of peripheral vision? No to all of these. His speech was clear/articulate and not slowed or slurred. No facial weakness or drooping, strength was good when squeezing my fingers, you get the point. All this to say, I thought he pinched a nerve or hoped he didn't have a herniated disc as the source of his pain. I truly didn't think it was anything neurological.
I actually told him I'd get some Tylenol and water so he could rest on the couch. We're in our late 40's, he has no cholesterol or blood pressure issues, there's no family history of stroke/aneurism, we don't smoke, drink, do drugs...nothing would indicate something severe.
"Beatty, something's wrong and I need you to take me to the emergency room, now." He knew. As much as I tried to refuse anything could be seriously wrong, he knew.
I scrambled to get the keys and didn't know Adam had gone to our daughter and dog who were now inside, to say goodbye to them and our sons. He worried it was the last time he'd see them.
Throwing the hazards on, I sped through traffic. "What happened? What's going on?"
Adam explained how he was outside talking with our neighbor, Matt, then went to do the yardwork. He was perfectly fine one minute, then had excruciating pain in the back of his head as he stood up from trimming under a shrub.
He whispered, "I didn't play volleyball with her. I didn't spend time talking outside with Matt. I didn't even pet the dog..."
Quickly glancing at him as I passed a line of cars, I grew more concerned. "You can do all of that when we get back home. You're okay."
Pulling into the ER, Adam cautiously walked as a security guard raised his brow and pulled a wheelchair around. Checking in, a nurse pushed him back to a room where we waited for the Doctor.
When he appeared, he asked a series of questions while Adam continued to hold his head. The Doctor didn't seem to be extremely worried, stating he would run a CT scan to rule out the worst case scenario, even though Adam didn't present as having neurological signs or symptoms.
While two people came to push his bed out, it wasn't long before they brought him back. Adam was doubled over in pain now, saying when he had to lie flat on the hard surface for the scan, it was the worst pain he'd ever had.
Going to his side, I put one hand on his shoulder and tried to put pressure on his chest with the other to calm him. Out of nowhere, the same man as before rushed in the room, this time as a completely different doctor. "Okay, folks, it's not good. We've got an ambulance to take you to Neuro ICU with a Neurosurgeon and team ready when you get there. Your brain is bleeding and we need to move."
This is pretty much when the world stopped spinning. Adam started to convulse as I turned back to him with my hands still pressing on him. I always thought in a fight or flight situation I would be a rock, but it was the total opposite. My legs started to give and I felt myself ready to throw up everywhere.
Someone came from behind to guide me to sit me down but I shook them away, then leaned forward to Adam. As hard as I tried not to cry, I began weeping uncontrollably. His eyes were filled with tears as I put my forehead to his. "This isn't happening. This is not going to happen. You're fine. Everything's alright and you're completely fine." He whispered back, "I'm sorry. I don't want to leave you and the kids. I promise I'll fight like hell. I'm so sorry."
I remember the siren and tried to process how my husband was the one inside the ambulance. Rage filled as they wouldn't let me go with him, then it quickly turned to focus. Standing at the nurses station, my mind narrowed. "Where is he going, how do I get there?" I have no idea who helped me put an address into my phone while they asked if I needed to contact someone to drive. I simply turned to rush to the car. One of the strongest memories I have is putting both hands on the steering wheel while trying to remember how to breathe. "Get to the hospital, get to him and pray to God he makes it." Looking up, I started the car with the hazards again, saying, "Not today, God. Do not do this."
Anyone who knows me knows I have zero sense of direction. My Dad used to say I couldn't find my way out of a wet paper bag. When the invention of the app, "Life 360" came about, it was the greatest thing because Adam, who used to be a fighter pilot, has an uncanny ability to   find a needle in a haystack whether it's through training, through instinct, or both as he can see where I am to guide me in the right direction.
  I didn't know where the main hospital was. Somehow even when I follow Waze or GPS I can still end up at some random airport or grocery store. It's uncanny how I manage to do this, but no matter what, I always know he will be there when I call. Through pure reflex, I reached to call him, then began shaking again refusing to believe he wasn't there.
Somehow finding my way, I ran into the main entrance while a woman leisurely went over the Covid protocol like it was a regular Sunday morning. All I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs. She mentioned something about elevators and I raced off. Searching for anything I could find to get to Adam, I managed to locate signs for the ICU. Shooting to a woman behind another main desk, she seemed somewhat confused at to how quickly I'd arrived from the North emergency room, stating Adam hadn't even gotten settled into his ICU room yet. All I could think was if they needed to get him to his room, he was still alive as I blurted, "Where is he so I can get to him?"
She calmly asked me to   have a seat until they could call me back.
Still shaking, I called my parents to try to explain while Mom responded, "We're getting the kids, take care of Adam, call as soon as you can."
"You can come back now" were the five words that filled the air while I tried to find my legs.
He looked frail. Carefully studying his eyes it was still him, but he seemed almost childlike in a hospital gown, hooked up to IVs and monitors around him.
  "They said I have to get surgery and I'll be here for two weeks."
"What is happening? What's going on?" I desperately wanted answers, but wouldn't leave him to ask. Adam said they diagnosed it as a "Subarachnoid Hemorrhage" and needed to go in to see how things looked, ruling out aneurysm/stroke, etc.
None of it made sense. I still couldn't and wouldn't believe it. Holding onto him, I was worried at any given minute someone would ask me to leave due to the protocols of ICU or Covid, until a nurse smiled and approached, saying I could stay as long as I wanted.
   I watched him. I studied the monitors, listened to his breathing, memorized the expression on his face and prayed.
My parents had the kids, one of our sons told our youth minister and within no time, a pastor from our church, Chip was at Adam's side covering him in prayer.
As fast as everything spun out of control, that's how quickly things became covered in peace. By praying over him it was as though an anchor calmed the storm. Adam's face changed, his entire body changed. I don't know if Chip realized the magnitude as he soon left, but Adam was different both physically and mentally.
When the time came for his surgery, I was asked to wait in the lobby as the ICU team prepared for the surgical team to take him away. What happened next, was something that took another day for him to tell me.
His surgery went perfectly well. I returned to his ICU room and sat in a miserable chair beside him throughout the night and into the day until he looked over as he woke, saying, "I saw death."
Nodding, I responded, "I know. Everyone was scared to death, but I'm glad you're going to be okay."
"No. I actually saw death. When the room was empty, you were gone and no one had come to take me away for the procedure, I saw the spirit of death."
Completely confused, I leaned forward. "What do you mean, 'death'? Like a ghost or something?"
"It wasn't a ghost. I couldn't see through it. It was a large dark solid figure standing to the left corner of my room, staring at me. He didn't reach for me, come towards me, he just stood there, squared off at me." I tried to process what he was saying as he went on to explain how originally, he'd thought the darkness that caught his eye was from a computer monitor from the ones being brought in and removed in that same corner. Ironically, every time a nurse brought a different computer to that area of his room, it would die. The TV was in the same corner and it went out, too. Assuming he was seeing the darkness in his peripheral vision of another blank screen, he wondered when they'd brought another computer in because he hadn't heard them. That's when he turned and caught sight of the figure.
It took a minute for me to speak, "To begin with, this doesn't make any sense and yes, as you can imagine, I'm freaking out. How are you telling me you saw 'death' and you're not freaking out?
He shook his head, "I wasn't scared. I knew what it was. I knew who he was, but I wasn't scared. I started to pray."
"For God to save you?"
"No, for God not to take me, yet. I prayed, 'God, if Thou be willing, take this cup from me, nevertheless not my will but Thine be done.' It's always been one of my favorite verses and for whatever reason, it was the first thing that came to mind."
I sat quietly, not sure of how to think, as he continued.
"Then light began."
"Light?"
"Well, I don't know how to say it in words, there's no real word that can explain it. It wasn't a light exactly, it was a brightness, a warmth, peace...it started from my right and began to surround me. I was encompassed by it and heard the words, "It is I, I have you".
Adam said he watched as the figure of death didn't disappear, instead was pulled away from him or he was pulled away from it, he wasn't sure. He said there was no sign of an ICU room anymore, he was completely surrounded in this light and could only see his own body, nothing else. I asked if he felt like he left his body, but he shook his head, no. "I didn't die. It wasn't anything like that. I was here the whole time and as soon as I was encompassed completely in this light, it then suddenly went away and I was left here in the ICU room connected to everything with all of the noises and sounds around me.
I was trying to understand. I honestly couldn't. None of it made sense and it was difficult not to wonder if there wasn't an element of pain or drug or medication involved.
I come from Southeastern Ohio and we're born and raised to be strong, tough, some might even say, stubborn. We take care of each other and we're fiercely protective. I've had the same best friend, Tricia since the age of three and when it was later that evening, I called her, explaining what Adam had said. I thought I heard what sounded like crying, but I knew better because as I mentioned, we're stubborn and tough. I was wrong. Tricia went on to say how when I texted from the lobby that he was about to go back for surgery, she began praying harder than physically possible. She said what she couldn't explain was that from where she was in Ohio, she saw and heard what I had just described from Adam's experience, except Adam and I are states away in North Carolina. Tricia had previously assumed it was in her mind as she prayed, but was shocked when I poured out the same exact details coming from him.
  How could it be possible?
I needed to get my bearings, so while Adam slept I shot home to hug the kids and my parents and tried to make sense of it all. Throwing my purse on the floor and my keys on the counter, I decided not to tell the kids, because I didn't want to worry them saying, "Daddy saw death yesterday, guys!" Not the best conversation to have all things considered.
Our friend, Tracy had set up a meal train and my parents went on and on about how amazing the food was from friends and neighbors. I know it's not a good characteristic that I'll never ask for help, but it did give me comfort to know our kids and my parents were being so well taken care of.
Racing back, I sat in the impossible chair again, watching him, his monitors and his breathing while questions swarmed. It wasn't until the morning when I realized how starving I was. My head was pounding and his breakfast tray arrived, making me realize I hadn't eaten yet. Looking to the floor around me, I couldn't find my pocket book to grab money for food. I turned left, right, behind the chair until I realized, I left it on the kitchen floor back home. I had nothing but my car keys and my cell phone. This is where a normal person would call someone for food or money, but again...stubborn.
I put it in my mind I would go home again that night to see our family and eat/get my purse. I wouldn't say anything to anyone and stay focused on Adam.
A friend, Karie texted that she and another friend, Scarlett were going to visit later that day. I thought for a second to ask for food, but didn't.
That afternoon, I went to the ICU lobby to try to catch them so they wouldn't have to search for Adam's room. As I turned the corner, I smelled the most amazing heaven scent of any grandma's kitchen wafting through the air. I thought it was chicken noodle soup and asked two women I found sitting in the waiting room with bowls where they got it. They were so sweet and told me it was broccoli cheese soup from a Panera downstairs in the hospital. We started to talk a little as I waited for my friends which led to asking why we were there. One woman said her Uncle was eating breakfast on Sunday and yelled while grabbing the back of his head, went down and they were taking him off of life support now. She was there waiting for her Mom and family to say their goodbye's. In disbelief, I realized everyone in the waiting room had to have unimaginable stories. I couldn't comprehend the amount of loss and pain in one place.
I told them a little about Adam and tried to smile saying how I was just telling him before everything that our 20th wedding anniversary was coming up and joked saying it would've taken an act of God to get a minute alone together between both of our jobs, four kids, sports and everything else in the world.
One of the women looked up and put her soup down. Her demeanor changed on a dime and she looked hard at me. "You're the one." Grinning, I questioned, "What?" She continued, "Listen, I don't like hospitals. I don't want to be here. I've already said goodbye to my Uncle and now I'm waiting for my family, but I hate hospitals. To tell you the truth, I already left. I left this lobby, I left this building, I left this hospital. I made it all the way out to my car and got in and got on my cell phone. Then I heard a voice inside of me saying, "Go back", but I didn't want to. I heard it again, "Go back" but I tried to ignore it. Again, "Go back and deliver My message," so I grabbed my purse, my keys, my phone and I stomped back up to this waiting room where I've been sitting here, saying, 'What God?'...and then you came along."
My eyes grew wide as I questioned what in the world was going on. I didn't know these two, they didn't know me, so what was she talking about delivering a message?
She continued, "You have not, because you ask not. That's what God put on my heart to say to you."
What? Why was she telling me this? Again, she didn't know me and I had never had anyone, friend or stranger tell me God put something on them to tell me. Obviously she had the wrong person.
Again, she said, "You have not, because you ask not. Ask and it shall be given to you, knock and the door shall be opened unto you. Do you hear me?"
  She was adamant and continued, "You just said it would take an act of, what? An act of God to give you time with your husband and look at what He did. Maybe not in your way, but in His and what are you doing with it? Are you praying together? Thanking God together for the gift He's given you?"
It was as though she was starting a fire and there was no putting her out. It was about this time her friend spoke up saying, "I am a single mother of five and look at me." She opened her purse and unzipped her wallet. Pulling cash out, she gestured it toward me saying, "God put it on my heart that you're hungry, you need to eat".
I stopped breathing.
I stood frozen, unable to move as the first woman nodded, saying, "I feel the same, take this and eat". Reaching into her purse, she pulled money out and tried to hand it to me. I lifted both of my hands away and shook my head no, somehow finding the words to thank them, while refusing to take their money. Just then, out of nowhere a third woman from another area of the waiting room stood and began to approach as I realized we may be upsetting to her depending on her situation.
I turned to apologize if we were being disruptive and she shook her head, no. She began, "My son is in surgery right now I'm sitting here praying for everything to go well." She continued, "I don't want you to think I'm eavesdropping, but I heard you three and ever since this morning, something happened that didn't make sense until right now. I was getting ready at home and heard a voice saying, "Take money for someone while you wait." She stated how she didn't understand it and ignored it at first, especially since she literally never carried cash on her. She continued stating she heard it again until she found a ten and took it with her, having no idea why. "When I overheard you, I had to stand up and come over, because I'm supposed to give this to you."
Holding the money out to me, I physically stepped back and watched as all three women felt the same thing I did, minus the fact that I couldn't believe what was happening while they all seemed to be sure of it.
I told them how I had no money, I hadn't    eaten and was absolutely starving, but couldn't take their money. The first woman collected all of it and put it in the pocket of my sweatshirt as I tried to pull away. Shaking her head, she questioned, "Maybe you didn't hear me? You have not, because you ask not. Do not refuse gifts from God."
As I cried, I heard Karie and Scarlett at the front desk and called them over. I'm sure they assumed the worst about Adam while I was obviously a mess, so I quickly explained and introduced them to the three women. Scarlett went to get soup which was the best soup I'd ever had, Karie went back to the ICU with me to visit Adam and they brought with them snacks, the warmest blanket and a pillow which carried us   through the rest of our time in the hospital as Adam and I shared them.
On and on there were countless times people, friends, strangers came along and somehow provided exactly what we needed. Family, friends and coworkers were amazing, neighbors, teachers and hospital staff were unbelievable, the kids' first babysitter, Hannah knocked one day because she's now a nurse and Adam was on her floor...countless situations showing us, no, proving to us that the power of prayer and what Adam ended up calling the fingerprints of God...since there were far too many to only be the hands, were sprinkled throughout every single day and night.
One of the ICU nurses came in days after Adam's arrival when they felt sure he was out of the woods. She simply stated that so many people who have this happen die instantly or within the first 24 hours, after that, a good number of people have permanent brain damage and then she shook her head smiling, "and then there's you".
We still don't know why it happened. Our family had Covid a few months back and some people are saying there's a correlation. We asked the Neurosurgeon if that could've been the reason among other questions. After all the years Adam pulled G's while flying the jet, could that have affected the integrity of a vessel which finally presented itself? Around and round we went with the "whys" until the surgeon simply said, there was no way of knowing. It shouldn't have happened and he told Adam to live his life as though it would never happen again. There was no genetic component, no lifestyle component...it was just one of those things. Subarachnoid hemorrhages are typically associated with aneurysms, but earlier this week they again went in for a second procedure, confirming there was no threat of that happening.
People have told us this week they've taken more time to play with their kids, spend time with their families, enjoy the moments previously gone unnoticed due to the hustle and bustle of life. That's the thing though. You always think it will never happen to you, you're too young, too healthy, so on and so forth. When it does though, it's hard to know how you'll respond.
I'm still trying to process the why's and how's of it all, but Adam isn't. He knows what he experienced, what he saw and what it meant to him. We both agree it's impossible to explain, but even more impossible to deny.
I feel like I've lived life so far in the shallow end of the pool, feeling love and praying for others with a lightness of sorts...meaning what I say...all while I've also known prayer warriors who seemed to have a whole deeper level. I've felt that level now and realize there's so much more to this life than treading above water. When you dive deep, it's an entirely different experience to say the least.
Adam was released and he's home now. He still has pain and sleeps a lot, but he is getting stronger by the minute. I've noticed he's changed from being mission ready at all times with a punch list of things to do and accomplish, to taking it easy and enjoying the little things.
I believe our job will be to hold onto this experience and take the good from it in appreciating every minute of life here on earth. Once you've experienced how quickly it can all change in the blink of an eye, those same eyes become wide open to the power of what God can do in ways not humanly possible...and I'll be forever thankful He gave us more time to enjoy with our family and friends...never again taking one single day for granted.]]><![CDATA[12th Birthday Partea]]>Fri, 26 Mar 2021 23:05:38 GMThttp://peanutbutterhair.com/blog/12th-birthday-partea My friends with older daughters keep trying to prepare me for what's to come with the "teen years". We're almost there, but trying desperately to hold off the inevitable.
That being said, we knew we had maybe one last go of a birthday party before "parents are so embarrassing" and "boys are everything".
For Lauren Elizabeth's 12th birthday, she asked some friends to a sweet little tea party and we thought everything was ready to go. We knew they were too old to wear hats and dress up, but secretly hoped they'd still be young enough to enjoy the innocence of fun. That's when my Besties stepped in. They reminded me of how I needed to let her grow and be more independent. My very best friend smiled through her thoughts, "She's going to have a limo with her girls and go to the party in style...and she's going to love it!"
The planning began. Keeping it a secret from our daughter and her friends, a beautiful limo came to surprise them away.

Giggles filled the air as time flew all too quickly. The girls were whisked to the tea party and sat by themselves looking very grown as Adam and I found a little table tucked away.

Adam and I grinned at each other as their laughter danced through the room.
Leaning forward, I whispered, "We are in a memory."
I knew many years from now when Adam danced with her on her wedding day, I would smile as this moment would be one of many. Her first tooth, first step, first day of school...so many memories...including tea parties with friends.
I'm so thankful for my best friends and their grand and fun ideas and I hope Lauren Elizabeth will continue to have best friends throughout her life as well.
Your Faith, Family and Friends are what make this world worth living and with them you're sure to create so many magical memories, one tea party at a time.

]]><![CDATA[Miss Ohio]]>Sun, 24 Jan 2021 16:54:12 GMThttp://peanutbutterhair.com/blog/miss-ohio Tricia and I were three years old when our moms introduced us to each other at the park. Next, came inseparability from preschool to this very day. She has always been the closest thing to a sister I've ever known through each chapter of our lives and when her baby girl, Mackenzie was born - it was the most wonderful day to remember.

Mackenzie grew to be brave and strong. When given adventures, she embraced them while exploring new lands around the world. Studying abroad, she fiercely traveled throughout several countries and when met with challenges, she learned to overcome them while taking each one on to push her to new heights.

In college, Mackenzie majors in International Business, Pre-Law and Strategic Leadership and has soared through the program. She has already been accepted to a number of law schools all while having a heart nurtured to help others.
Mackenzie began creating packages to deliver to those in need called, "Kenzie's Care Kits" with essentials lovingly tucked inside.

The possibilities are endless for this girl and this summer, begins yet another amazing chapter. She will compete for the job of Miss Ohio while raising awareness for her platform of, "Home is where the Heart is: Advocating for the Homeless".
She has written a children's book to help in her efforts to encourage others to provide care as all of the profits are donated to homeless shelters.

The sky is truly the limit for Mackenzie, while it's beyond encouraging to see a strong, kind and brilliant mind from this generation seek to do so many positive things in this world.
We are SO EXCITED for You, Mackenzie and we can't wait to see what the future holds for you. From the day you were born, to the Magical years to come, we will always be here cheering you on in all you do!

If you would like to support Mackenzie in donating to homeless shelters, you can order her charming book-
mackenzierian@yahoo.com

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