1. Get a rooster. Put him right beside your bed at night to wake you from a dead sleep about every two hours...repeat.
2. If you plan to nurse, get two pieces of fruit of your choice. Anything from grapefruit to cantaloupe will do. Put them in your shirt and make them leak. While you're at it, punch them about twenty times until a slight breeze would make you cry from pain and then have your husband's eyes pop out at the sight of them. What you choose to do next is up to you.
3. Buy some yogurt. Leave it on your counter for about two or three days, then open it and generously smear some down your hair, neck, shoulders and arms. Drip some down your back for good measure.
4. Go stand in front of the mirror and apply mascara. Gently rub your eyes so that there's a new shade of zombie gray/black that takes over your once refreshed look.
5. Along with the rooster, get some chickens. Dip them all in various shades of paints, condiments and sticky substances such as glue, chewed bubble gum and toothpaste. While you're at it, stick glitter shakers throughout their feathers then set them free to run around the house. (Throw a couple in your car for good measure.) Make your favorite chicken the one with an opened bottle of red fingernail polish in it's beak. Trying to catch them is futile.
6. If you DO happen to catch the chickens, congratulations. You're well on your way. The next thing to do is to get on your knees and go around the house with a permanent marker in one hand and a pair of scissors in the other. Every surface area that can't be cut should be drawn on. This is a big challenge. It's up to you to determine if it's hard or soft and that can be tricky. I'll give you some examples...bedspread and curtains - soft, cut them. Wall or furniture - hard, use the marker. On rare occasion you hit the mother load and find something you can use both the scissors AND the marker on like, ohhhh say, cutting your hair and coloring your body. Jackpot.
7. Now that you have your rooster and chickens, go ahead and get a goat. Ask one of your best friends to call you while you train the goat to ram it's head into your thigh intermittently with pulling on your shirt and pants with it's teeth. Have the goat constantly bleat "Maaaaa, Maaaaa, Maaaaaa" to complete the trick. Now that you're experienced in goat/phone etiquette, use these skills whenever the phone rings. It's the new Pavlov.
8. If you have a pet, they will get in on the fun too. Begin to train them to prepare for baby by gently grasping fists full of fur and fiercely yanking for no apparent reason. Pull on their tail and ears and chew on them a little while you're at it too. Trying to ride them like a pony always seems to make them happy.
9. Go to a sporting event where they have those guns that shoot t-shirts. Take the gun back to your place and shove as much as possible inside. Toys, bananas, diapers, socks, Legos (don't even get me started on the Legos). Set a timer to shoot the gun off about every fifteen minutes. Run around the house with the goat and the chickens, trying to pick things up while the phone rings - or better yet, have someone knock on your door.
10. Finally, the last thing to help you prepare for a baby is to feel emotions that you've never known before. Feel your heart swell as they grasp your thumb and smile with nothing but gums or ache when they turn two and have their first scraped knee. When your four year old beams at you from the stage of their first Preschool play or your six year old whispers, "I'll love you forever and ever".
These are the things you must prepare for. No rule book or article will ever provide justice.
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