At work the other day, I walked into a patient's room as they were watching a morning show.  The topic was, "Should you argue in front of your children?"
    I took a pause, then turned it off.  The question stayed with me throughout the day though. 
    On one hand, I think it's one of the worst things possible for a child to be filled with fear as their parents hash it out.  On the other, however, is it really good for them to live in a "Pollyanna" world?  How else are they supposed to learn about conflict resolution or the basic fundamentals of constructive arguing? 
    That's when I realized.  The key word is "constructive".  
    My parents really didn't argue a lot.  I didn't grow up with much screaming or fighting other than the arguments my brother and I had with each other.  I knew that I could be as bull headed and stubborn as they come though.     
    Back in the late 90's when Adam and I began to date, we were as lovey and infatuated with each other as any two people could be.  We never fought.  Never disagreed.  He could have told me that the sky was purple and I would have smiled and sighed.    
    Then one night...on 9/9/99, (yes, I remember the date) there was an awards show on.  I think it was the Mtv Music Awards.  Anyway...I was at Adam's place and I had made snacks to sit and eat during the awards show.  My college roommate and I always used to sit with bowls of popcorn and goodies during award shows so I wanted to share that with him.  What I forgot to consider though, was that he was a guy.  Not only a guy, but a fighter pilot with a crazy intense check ride the next day.  
    Needless to say, he didn't care about the popcorn...or the show.  As I sat and ate my popcorn alone, a pit grew in my stomach.  My throat began to tighten and I felt hurt and angry that he didn't want to be with me.  Deciding to leave so he could study, I got up and told him "bye" from the other room. 
    "You're leaving?  I thought you wanted to watch the show!"
    "I did.  With you.  I'll see you tomorrow."  
    Getting up, Adam stopped me at the door.  "Are you angry?!"
    "I gotta go."
    "You're MAD?!  Do you know how big of a deal tomorrow is for me?  I don't care about some stupid awards show!  I have to study!"
    It was the first time he had ever yelled at me.  I wasn't used to it and it stung.  I felt my eyes well as I pushed him out of the way.  
    He followed me back to my place and we hashed it out.  It was a doozy.  I tried to explain how I felt ignored and he tried to explain how I was acting like a total chick.  He was right and I knew it...but that's where the stubborn thing came in.  
    Since then, we have a laugh when award shows come on and he actually makes popcorn for me just to poke fun.  Over the years, we've tried to learn how to argue and disagree without the aggression. 
    Sure it's next to impossible to avoid heated debates.  We try to check ourselves when the kids are around and pay attention to their reaction.
    I heard a saying once that the greatest gift you can give your child is the security of knowing that they are loved unconditionally and that they have a safe foundation to fall on.
    Do I think parents should argue in front of their kids?  Yes.  Should they scream and lose control of the situation?  No.   
   Constructive arguments with problem-solving, conflict resolution and the ability to disagree on things - is a learning tool for children to use.  Yelling and shouting are not.  
   At the end of a long day when you've just had "enough" though, (and we've all been there) try to move it away from the little ones.  There's no good that can come from scaring them or making them worry...and working towards their happiness is the greatest fight of all.   
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    School picture day has never really been that big of a deal.  The night before, nice outfits have been chosen for the boys and have been ironed and put out for the next morning.  The boys have always woken up, gotten dressed and gone to school.  
    That's it.  There's never been a hassle...no fuss, no arguments.  The only concern we've ever had with picture day is the fear of one of them having a bad picture or goofy smile.
    Then, we had a little girl.  
    I can't say that people didn't warn me.  I've honestly heard a countless number of times, "Oh, you just WAIT!  Boys are EASY!  Wait until she gets older!" 
     I never would have believed it, but today I saw the signs - and they scared me.  
     Lauren had her preschool class pictures today, so sure enough, last night I spent who knows how long picking out the cutest little outfit for her.  I ironed everything, found a pretty matching headband to go with it, panty hose, dress shoes...she would be adorable.  
    Ummmm, no.  When Lauren woke up this morning she announced that today was "PICTURE DAY"!  Joining in her excitement, I took her to see her outfit with a smile.  
    "Look baby girl!  Don't you love it?!"
    "Mommy, No!  I'm not going to wear this, I am going to wear my pink dress!  I have my bow that matches and my fancy pink tennis shoes!"
     "Lauren, you can't wear tennis shoes with a pink dress on picture day.  They'll probably get your shoes in the picture.  You need to wear dress shoes."
     "No Mommy!  I know what I'm going to wear!  I have it all figured out."
     The same thing happened when I went to fix her hair.  "Mommy!  I know how I'm going to wear my hair!  I can do it!"
     As she soaked her hair down with water, I had the horrific image of what her crazy hair, pink running shoes, first school picture was going to look like.  A mess.
     Did I mention before that we've never dealt with any of this with the boys?  I seriously could have put them in their swim trunks and said, "Go.  You have pictures today."  They would have grabbed their breakfast and grunted, "Okay." 
     We eventually got Lauren Elizabeth off to school.  By the grace of God we got her in the original outfit but it wasn't without a fight. 
     Later today, I asked her how it went.  "Did you have fun?  Did you smile?"
     Lauren put her two little fingers in the corners of her mouth and pulled her cheeks back, sticking her tongue out.  "Yes!  Like THIS!"  She giggled as her brothers began laughing with her.  I could only stand and shake my head.
     I have no idea what her pictures are going to turn out like but I have a bad feeling that I don't want to know. 
     There was so much more drama involved with her than anything we've ever experienced before.  She's FOUR and this is preschool.  Please tell me that it won't get any worse.
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      "Hey Mom.  I have a spot right here and it hurts."  Our son Christian put his finger to side of his forehead and pointed to a tiny little red spot.
      A mix of bittersweet emotions came over me.  It took me back to the day he cut his first baby tooth.  I was so happy to see the little bit of white peek through his bottom gums but it also hurt my heart to know he was growing up so quickly.  
     Christian turned ten years old last month but I hadn't expected any changes to come along with it.  I don't know why, but I thought we had a few more years to think about hormones and "all that". 
     Taking him to his annual check-up though, the nurse stopped me cold.  "Mom."  She calmly said..."You do know that he's getting ready to start to change."  
     You could have knocked me over where I stood.
     "Excuse me?"
     "Mom, it's something you need to prepare for.  He's not going to be your baby forever you know.  Next year he probably won't even want you to come into the check-up with him."
     (WHAT?!)
     I didn't know whether to feel a maternal sense of pride that our oldest son was maturing, or start crying.
     "He can't be ready for that.  He's TEN!"
     She looked him over again and said, "I'm not saying that he's going through things now, I'm simply telling you to prepare for the next few years.  It is inevitable you know."
     I know, I know.     
     Ugh.
     She went on to say that he would go through mood swings and all of these other details that are going to present themselves.  
     Suddenly I couldn't get the song, "Time to Change" by the Brady Bunch out of my head.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKEQm10-n84
     We'll see how the next few years go and I guess there's nothing to do but to take everything day by day.  
    I figure, by the time our third son hits this stage in life, we should be a little more prepared...and then...we'll have...our daughter.  Lord help us.  
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      Sometimes it feels like we're crazy busy.  I mean, like - CRAZY busy.  Between work, school, sports and everything else, there's barely time to take a breath.  
      When Adam's parents called from Texas saying that they were going to come for a visit, our first reaction was excitement, but our second...was - "oooooh no".  
      When people from out of state come all that way, the perfect case scenario would be to sit and enjoy the stay, spending time to catch up with each other.  The last thing you want to do is to run around the whole time.  
      I worried, realizing how many things we had planned for the weekend alone...Friday night football practice, Saturday morning football game for Preston, mid-morning football game for Ethan, Saturday afternoon birthday party for Christian, Sunday morning lesson plans for the class we teach at church, Sunday afternoon team football pictures for the boys...not to mention homework, piano lessons...blah, blah, blah.
     I asked Adam what we should do with everything while they were here.  It felt rude to be so busy.  I thought we should have carved the time out to skip games and such, just to just be with them. 
     Adam's response? - "What do you mean?  They'll just run around with us."
     (nice.)  I'm sure that's exactly what his parents would want to do after driving half way across the country.  
     Sure enough, when they got here, they hit the ground running and spent our wild, fun-filled, non-stop days with us.  It was truly wonderful to see them and I can only hope they didn't go home with their heads spinning.  
     The kids had such a blast spending time with their Grandparents and it actually turned out to be pretty cool for the boys to have them there to watch their games and to be at their birthday party.     
     So Thank You for coming all the way to North Carolina for this wild crew Mom and Dad!  (You're very, very brave.)  We Miss You already and can't wait to see you again!!!  Love, Love, Love You!     

    For years now, I have nagged at my husband Adam when he hasn't "listened".  Not only to me, but to everything around him.  When our kids were born, I was the one to wake up from any sound, while Adam slept peacefully through the night. 
    When the kids were toddlers and would cry at 2:00 am, I would go down the hall to check on them.  When I came back...you guessed it...Adam was sawing logs.  He would never even flinch. 
     I used to wonder if I put a screaming baby, an alarm clock and a honey badger right by his head...if it would ever even matter.
    To this day, the six of us can be in the car and one of the kids will say, "Daddy?  Daddy?  Dad?  Daddy?  Dad?"  Unless I pushed his arm for him to pay attention, it would go on forever.
    I've always assumed that he "heard" what he wanted to.  That is...until tonight.  
     There was an annoying fly in our house.  It zoomed around and was so loud, it was obnoxious.  I looked towards Adam and grumbled, "I can't stand this fly.  The buzzing is driving me nuts."  
    Looking back at me he said, "What buzzing?"
    (What?!)
    He didn't hear it.  As impossible as it was for me to believe, he honestly didn't HEAR it!
    I'm not saying that it's an excuse for selective hearing, but holy moly.... 
    He was a pilot in the Air Force for several years and that had to take a toll on his ears.  I never thought that he actually might not be picking up on the things that were going on right in front of him though. 
    So, the next time I get angry thinking that he's not paying attention, I'll try to remember tonight. 
    I still kind of think that a honey badger might be fun to try just once though.   
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    Adam used to laugh at me when we met because I had this strange theory with lip gloss.  Whenever we were in the car and would get stuck at a red light or caught up in traffic, I would get my lip gloss and pull down the mirror.
    "What are you doing?"
    "Making us go."
    "What?!"
    "Just watch."
    Sure enough, as soon as I started to put my lip gloss on - bam.  Green light.  It never failed. 
     As ridiculous as it was, it seemed to be that the quickest way to make anything go faster, was to try and do something else instead.  
    Another example of this is when you're sitting at a Drive-Thru at a fast food place or a bank.  You know when you're stuck behind five cars and the line is going nowhere?  Try this...drop your money in between the car seats just far enough so that you can't reach it - aaaaand then watch how fast the line moves.  You know it's true. 
    Today the complete and total opposite effect happened while running errands with the kids.  We were at the grocery store and we happened to pass that little section with the toys. (Thank you grocery store people - because going through aisles of candy and snacks isn't already enough fun with four screaming kids.) 
     So there we were.  Our ten year old happened to spot a "Whoopee Cushion" nestled between a squirt gun and a jump rope.  
     "WHOA a WHOOPPEE CUSHION!  Can we GET IT Mom?!"  
     "Christian.  How do you know what a Whoopee Cushion is?  I haven't seen one of those in years!"
     "I saw it on a TV show!  I've ALWAYS wanted one!  PLEASE?!"
     All four kids gave me their big eyes and pleading faces with little clasped hands to back him up. 
     "Ugh, get it and let's go guys.  We have to get home."
     With happy cheers, the kids took turns passing the new toy around and we continued to shop.  My theory of making something go faster when you do something else, suddenly became revised.  I now know that if you want to make something go slower...much, much slower...do something that is painfully embarrassing...like, oh, I don't know...give four kids a Whoopee Cushion in public. 
     As I pushed the cart, the kids followed.  When we approached oncoming shoppers, a "Thwerrrrp" would escape from behind.  My eyes widened and we received looks of either shock or laughter.  
    Once we got passed the first few people, I turned to snap at the kids as they each had that look of innocence, holding in their giggles. 
    Then it happened.  We passed by an elderly man with a huge, "THWERRRP" and he stopped right in his tracks.  Our six year old little boy smiled up at him and said, "Excuse me".  The man shuffled away somewhat confused, as I could have died.  
     Turning the corner, I grabbed the whoopee cushion from the kids and finally made it to the check-out section.  When the woman scanned it, she looked at it and laughed, then handed it down to our eight year old son.  "THWERRRRRP" busted out with four exploding rounds of laughter.  People from two check-out rows away were stretching their necks to see what was going on.
     Yes, I'll have to tell Adam that my theory has been changed.  Somehow all the lip gloss in the world couldn't have made that trip any faster.  Thwerrrrrrp.          
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     I've mentally prepared myself for the "talks" we'll face with our four young kids.  You know the ones..."The Birds and the Bees", "Just Say No"...aaaand "Yes, you have to eat your broccoli".
     What I haven't gotten myself ready for though, is a conversation dealing with the fear of death.  For whatever reason, I never pictured myself having to sit down with our kids to go over such an uncomfortable topic.    
     I don't like to talk about it and would be hard pressed to find anyone who does.  Our son has really been struggling with it though.  I don't know if it's common for this to happen around his age but he's been asking so many questions.
     We finally sat down today to talk things through.  I have a unique take on this subject because my Grandma died when giving birth to my Mom.  She flatlined and left her body as the doctor and nurses did an emergency C-section to get my Mom out.  Gram would tell me how she saw everything.  She watched as they pulled my Mom off to the side and the nurses argued with the doctor to try and save "the baby" while he felt that mom was too premature to deal with.  He argued back wanting their help to save my Grandmother instead.  
    Gram said that she listened to their quick conversations and watched them struggle as she then turned to leave the room.
    I remember her description.  "You can't imagine how heavy your body is.  You don't realize it on Earth but your arms, your legs...everything about you weighs you down like an anchor."
    She went on to say that when she left her body and rose up, the feeling was like every happy thought or memory she had ever known all at once.  "There's nothing to compare it with...no human words or emotions could ever describe it."  
     She went on to explain how as she began to leave the room, she heard a voice say to her, "It's not time," then she turned back to see a nurse screaming at her to breathe.
     That was it.  It was all she remembered.  She woke in a hospital room and later described what had happened to each of the staff as they stood speechless.  Each of them verified that it was exactly what had occurred but couldn't explain how she knew.
     I believe that we are made of energy and that energy transitions when our bodies shut down.  In my personal beliefs, that is Heaven or Hell. 
     In my job as a therapist, I've worked in hospitals and nursing homes.  I can't tell you how many times patients have told me that there are "people" beside me when I'm the only one in the room with them.  There have been people nearing death that describe in full - a man to my left or a person by their bed.  I can't lie and say that it doesn't one hundred percent FREAK me out, but I believe what they see.
    HOW do you explain all of this to a child though?
    Our son's number one worry has been, "I don't want to die, even if it means going to Heaven.  I want to stay here instead."    
    I sat for some time to try and think of an answer...until this finally came to mind. 
    I explained to him that even though it was hard to believe, there was a time when he was in my stomach.  "You tossed and turned and kicked and pushed for months.  When the day came for you to be born though, you didn't want to come out.  You were happy and safe and felt secure.  
   Our son looked at me with a scrunched nose. "That's gross mom.  I don't want to be in your stomach."  
   I nodded saying, "Exactly.  Look at all of the wonders of the world that stood waiting for you out here - but you never could have known that when you were a baby." 
    The same holds true after life.  We can't begin to imagine what will be but I can't help but believe what my Gram said.  God has amazing and wonderful things that our minds couldn't possibly begin to comprehend.  Until then, I'll continue to learn on this journey and try to guide our little ones along the way.  
     After today though, at least I know that one thing's for sure.  I will forever appreciate the simplicity of the "Eat your vegetables" conversation...much, much more.  -whew-
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    I get to meet a lot of interesting people at my job.  Many of the patients that I work with are in their 80's or 90's - and have a wealth of experiences that are outweighed only by their personalities.
    Just the other day, I was speaking with a woman in her 80's when her two best girlfriends arrived.  They were both as neat as a pin and looked like they came from an episode of "Leave it to Beaver".  They carried in bags of Bo Jangles fried chicken and sweet tea, making sure not to wrinkle their nicely pressed dresses with matching pearl necklaces. 
    I smiled as I imagined these three going through the decades together, watching their children grow and being pillars of the community.
    Introducing myself, I asked if they were all friends from church.  
    One leaned over to the other and smiled whispering, "Should we tell her the truth?"  The other nodded as they both gave me a devilish grin.
    "We're old drinking buddies, sweetheart.  We've gone through more than you could imagine and done things that could take the hair off a dog."
    Trying to concentrate on keeping my jaw from falling open, I made a feeble attempt of acting indifferent by muttering, "Oh!  That's nice!"    
     All three women burst into laughter as the two visitors elbowed each other.  "Now look!  You've gone and scared the poor girl to death!" 
    Realizing how my reaction must have come off, I found myself turning red, explaining how they caught me off guard.   
    The main friend giggled and leaned in. "Look Sugar.  Just because we're old girls doesn't mean we still don't like to have some fun...the only difference is that now we have to do it over sweet tea instead.  Our friendship's the thing that matters though...not what's in our cup."
    And that was it.  They had lived a lifetime together and still held onto the what was most important...the beauty of friendship and a heart full of love. 
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      I can honestly say that sending your baby girl to her first day of preschool is much harder to do than you'd think.  I don't really know what I had expected, but it definitely wasn't this...
      It all began the night before.  The whole house was jumping as we tried to get school clothes ready and the backpacks and lunches all set.  
      Lauren pulled on the side of my shirt for me to hold her.  Lifting her up, I asked, "Are you excited for tomorrow?!" 
      Her eyes began to worry and big tears welled.  "I don't want to go.  Please don't make me.  I want to stay here!"
      Ooooooh no.
      Going back and forth all through the night and into the next morning, we tried to convince her that she would have the best time ever.  
      It wasn't working.
      Lauren Elizabeth cried and worried no matter what anybody said or did.  
      The boys weren't this emotional on their first day of school and it was killing me.  It made me feel like she thought we were pushing her away.
      When it was time to go, she was dressed and ready.  We put her backpack on that she's been carrying around with her all summer and that's when something clicked. 
      "Wait!"  She said as she held up one finger.  Running out of the kitchen, she came back with some paper and a pencil.  Pulling her backpack off, she carefully unzipped it and put her treasures in.  "I might need these so I can draw when I'm there."  
     It was hard not to hide a smile as we seriously nodded in agreement.
     Putting her pack over her shoulders again, she had a newfound sense of readiness. 
     "Okay.  Let's go."  

    Taken back a bit, we loaded her in the car before she changed her mind.  She looked out the window and didn't say much.  When we got to the school though, that's when our roles reversed.  She was excited as I fought back tears wanting to keep her home.  She was so little and I couldn't help but think that her backpack was almost as big as she was. 

    She didn't cry, there was no fuss...she didn't want us to carry her in or even need us to hold her hand.  She simply went. 
     Catching up to her, Adam took her hand and that's when I lost it.  To see the two of them, hit me knowing that this exact moment would be what I would remember years from now, as she walked down the aisle.  This one single image is what I'll picture of our baby girl's first day of school.    

     Trying to dry my eyes so she wouldn't see, we walked her to her classroom.  Lauren put her things away and her wonderful teacher gave her the best welcome.

    Going to find her way to a table, she didn't look back.  We watched as she went straight to a group of girls and had the biggest smile.  Adam laughed, "She never gets to hang out with girls.  It's been nothing but boys for four years straight." 

    And he was right.  To see her actually get to make friends was the cutest thing.  She was happy and content and ready for the day.  
    So, day one is done and here's to hoping for a great rest of the year.  It's hard to believe how fast it's all going by. 
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