Then something happened.
I don't really know when it was. I try to pin point the time or place when I began to hate having my picture taken. The only thing I can think of was in 2003 with our first pregnancy.
We would get a picture back and I'd stare at myself in disbelief thinking, "Do I really look like THAT?!" It was almost like some distorted version of myself with a swollen face and huge body. I was pregnant of course, but regardless, I think that was the first time I remember wanting to shy away from a camera.
What's worse, is that when our first son was born, I vividly remember saying, "Don't get me in the pictures," because I knew how awful I looked. Of course now that makes me sad for obvious reasons. There are so very few pictures of me with our newborn babies.
If you pull that into the here and now, I'm still doing the same thing. Birthdays, holidays, vacations...I'm always the one holding the camera, taking the pictures. I cringe when I have to actually be IN them. You can even go through this blog, week by week, month by month and you'll be hard pressed to find many shots of me.
I can't help but think that Facebook had an affect as well. To this day, if I get a message that says, "You've been tagged," my stomach tightens. I feel ridiculously nervous wondering what photo might show up when I click on.
The worst part of all, is that I'm disappearing in the pictures of the memories of our kids. I'm in less and less of their special times and when they look back on their childhoods, I know that I'll be in very little of the photos.
As much as I hate this and think that I'll stop being so silly, it doesn't seem to change.
So, as for now, I'm going to try to be better. Summer is just around the corner and hopefully there will be plenty of photo opportunities with the adventures they may bring.
The kids will be surprised when I hand Adam the camera and jump in a shot with them, but I figure that it's about time.
Before we know it, the kids will be grown and these days will be gone. I know that I should try to be more present in their memories of the here and now.
After all, no one ever said that life had to be picture perfect.
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