"What are you doing?"
"Making us go."
Sure enough, as soon as I started to put my lip gloss on - bam. Green light. It never failed.
As ridiculous as it was, it seemed to be that the quickest way to make anything go faster, was to try and do something else instead.
Another example of this is when you're sitting at a Drive-Thru at a fast food place or a bank. You know when you're stuck behind five cars and the line is going nowhere? Try this...drop your money in between the car seats just far enough so that you can't reach it - aaaaand then watch how fast the line moves. You know it's true.
Today the complete and total opposite effect happened while running errands with the kids. We were at the grocery store and we happened to pass that little section with the toys. (Thank you grocery store people - because going through aisles of candy and snacks isn't already enough fun with four screaming kids.)
So there we were. Our ten year old happened to spot a "Whoopee Cushion" nestled between a squirt gun and a jump rope.
"WHOA a WHOOPPEE CUSHION! Can we GET IT Mom?!"
"Christian. How do you know what a Whoopee Cushion is? I haven't seen one of those in years!"
"I saw it on a TV show! I've ALWAYS wanted one! PLEASE?!"
All four kids gave me their big eyes and pleading faces with little clasped hands to back him up.
"Ugh, get it and let's go guys. We have to get home."
With happy cheers, the kids took turns passing the new toy around and we continued to shop. My theory of making something go faster when you do something else, suddenly became revised. I now know that if you want to make something go slower...much, much slower...do something that is painfully embarrassing...like, oh, I don't know...give four kids a Whoopee Cushion in public.
As I pushed the cart, the kids followed. When we approached oncoming shoppers, a "Thwerrrrp" would escape from behind. My eyes widened and we received looks of either shock or laughter.
Once we got passed the first few people, I turned to snap at the kids as they each had that look of innocence, holding in their giggles.
Then it happened. We passed by an elderly man with a huge, "THWERRRP" and he stopped right in his tracks. Our six year old little boy smiled up at him and said, "Excuse me". The man shuffled away somewhat confused, as I could have died.
Turning the corner, I grabbed the whoopee cushion from the kids and finally made it to the check-out section. When the woman scanned it, she looked at it and laughed, then handed it down to our eight year old son. "THWERRRRRP" busted out with four exploding rounds of laughter. People from two check-out rows away were stretching their necks to see what was going on.
Yes, I'll have to tell Adam that my theory has been changed. Somehow all the lip gloss in the world couldn't have made that trip any faster. Thwerrrrrrp.
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