The MRI indicated that I was having pain due to a herniated disk. I figured that if I had to see a surgeon, it wasn't going to be to hold hands and sing songs.
I tried to "fix" things my own way though. I went to physical therapy, went through three rounds of Prednisone, tried heating pads, cold packs...but the pain is still there.
Needless to say, when I went to see the surgeon...I was nervous. He sat me down and said that I actually didn't have a problem with one disk...it was with two. The disk between the C4 and C5 was the one that was really bad - and the disk between the c5 and c6 was less, but was ironically the one that was causing all of the pain. He then proceeded to explain that surgery was the only option at this point. (awesome.)
The four kids had to go to the appointment with me, so I sat on the table listening to him...while looking over at them. I motioned their way saying, "I don't have time for surgery. I just can't do it." He smiled with an understanding look and said, "You can do it now or you can do it later, but it's got to happen."
I asked what he wanted to do and he stated that he'd go through the front of my neck to fix both disks. He went on, saying that there would be no rehab, no physical therapy needed...it would be done.
I listened as best as I could in a kind of autopilot glaze, then somehow got myself out of the office with the kids.
I've always had some weird thing that I'll never cry in front of anyone. I really wanted to get in the car and away from the doctor, nurses and waiting room full of people that all seemed to be over 100 years old.
Anger and fear grew as I shuffled the kids through the parking lot and got them in the car to call Adam with a shaky voice. I was finally able to let go and cry with the news that I knew would happen - but hoped wouldn't.
I really don't want to get surgery. I can't get surgery. I'm sick and tired of the pain but not enough to get surgery on my back.
We have a lot of praying and thinking to do and we'll try to come up with the best decision. I don't even know what to think right now.